blue -m.c. fanfic {book 1}

2-15-14- Blue's Journal

fuck this shit.

fuck this stupid journal.

fuck this stupid rehab center.

fuck everything.

how the hell is writing in a journal going to help me get better?

ITS NOT.

why dont these so called 'therapists' in this so called center come fucking talk to me instead of waiting on their asses for a kid to say something to them.

im supposed to write about myself so ;

my name is Jordan Blue Lancaster.

But everyone calls me blue.

Im 17. I just turned seventeen two fucking weeks ago. And now I'm here. Stuck in a room writing shit that no one will ever read.

I have a really bad mouth, people say it's not pleasent for a girl to swear, but I couldn't give two fucks about what they had to say. I always wondered, why is a swear word, a 'bad' word? Like, a word is a word.  But it's not okay for me to say what the hell? Hell is a place. No one ever flips out when you say what the Alabama!

yes there is a reason people call me blue, I have blue hair, and my middle name is blue, which you already know.

im at this fucking hell hole because my parents forced me. saying I needed help and that I was a danger to myself.

maybe if they weren't such shit heads and really cared about me instead of acting like it, then maybe I wouldnt have these god damn problems in the first place.

well you see, I have been battling depression since I was in junior high.

I was constantly bullied and called fat and ugly. they said I was a worthless piece of trash that not even my parents could love, which is true.

I started self harming about that time, too.

my parents eventually found out and my dad said it was just me trying to be like the kids at my school.

he was a fucking dumb ass and still is. he thought I was doing everything for attention. he eventually lead to being a dick to my mom & I.

after a while I couldn't take it anymore and I overdosed. obviously I didnt die because im writing right now. but after the attempt, my parents thought it would be best to send me to live with my grandmother all the way across the fucking globe to Australia. To Australia. so then I started highschool here and the same shit happened, but it got even worse. For a while everything was great, but then it felt like I fell down the same path, but about 700x harder. I developed and eating disorder and started self harming again, worse now.

no I am not extremely skinny, although id love to be. Im 115 now, but I'd kill to be 100 or below.

Because I'm a fuck up, I messed up my diet, so when I eat is either a binge, or nothing at all.

sometimes I wish I wouldnt had started starving myself, because maybe I wouldnt had started binging, which led to purging, which led to an eating disorder, which led to this fucked up center with this little shitty ass notebook.

I hate that im here. but thankfully I only had to be here for two months, if I recovered....

I wasnt looking to make any friends because honestly, I hate everyone.