Mending & Healing - Abhigya (Abhi-Pragya)

Reflection

One the other side of the city from Abhishek, Pragya stood by her window mirroring him and gazing up at the sky as part of her daily routine. Likewise for her, it was the connection that she felt with him through the moon, the stars and the night sky that pulled her towards at the end of everyday. She had silent conversations with it hoping that somehow her words would reach him as well. The past 15 years had passed by in a blink of an eye but at the same time she had lived every moment like it was a lifetime. In many ways she had moved on - having no choice but to do so for her daughter - and yet on a personal front she still felt like she was standing in the exact same place when she walked away from the Mehra house that horror filled night. She just couldn't erase the image their daughter, their little girl falling off the edge of the cliff in front of her eyes.

Pragya instinctively clenched her eyes shut as the image flashed through her mind, once again leaving her breathless. 15 years had passed and yet the pain of losing her daugher was still as raw as the day it first struck her. There was a permanent ache, an emptiness in her heart that even her younger daughter couldn't erase. It was bad enough living with the sheer agony and trauma of loosing Kiara that still haunted her. The feeling was only heightened by the separation from her youngest daughter and him. She couldn't decide what was a bigger tragedy, losing a part of her; - her daughter; or being unable to un-love the man who both gave her every happiness of her life but also destroyed it. 15 years and she was unable to move on from him. She should have learned from their first separation that forgetting him, not loving him ,wasn't something she could ever accomplish. She also never thought that she'd genuinely resent him for something and be unable to forgive him for it. She used to believe their love could overcome anything. That she could live through anything on the sheer basis of that but she was so wrong. Love was everything and yet not enough in a relationship. It wasn't enough to pull through certain losses in life.

Although the years had to an extent diminished the fog of pain and anger she had walked out with that day, there was still a sense of resentment towards him she couldn't let go off completely. She knew she had lost control of her emotions that day and said things she didn't really mean out of anger and heart-wrenching pain that was shattering her inside out. She needed someone to blame, to hold responsible and at the time he was the only one available so everything had come pouring out on him. Then again a part of her did really hold him responsible for the likes of Tanu and Nikhil being a part of their lives in the first place. Irrationally so, but also for him not fulfilling the promises he made to her to keep their daughter safe, to bring her back to them. Realistically she knew he had really tried this time around. He had thrown Tanu out, had tried his best to find their daughter even though their ways of doing so had been different, but the fact that all of it had come to be because of Tanu. Even more so, she couldn't forget the biting words he'd said to her that night that had struck her already bleeding heart like a knife. The bite of betrayal from Mr. Singh was another wound she was forced to carry. She couldn't believe the man she trusted and respected even more than her own husband would betray her in such a way. It again brought up resentment for him because Mr. Singh would have never even become a part of her life if it hadn't been for him in the first place. All of these reasons ultimately just made her feel like a failure. Every person her daughter had counted on to save her had failed to do so. Both Abhishek and her ,in their own way, were paying the price of trusting the wrong people. It was the truth she had to live with. She couldn't just hold him responsible because she felt equally responsible. Time and time again she questioned the decisions she and made then and knew despite of her intentions they were wrong and played a hand in them losing their daughter.

There wasn't a day that passed where she didn't think of her or Kiara. They were both parts of her taken away. One by destiny and the other by choice that wasn't much of a choice in the first place. The only part that was content with their younger daughter being away from her was the part that loved him and so was glad that he too had a lifeline to hold on to. She wasn't delusional enough to believe that Kiara's death hadn't destroyed him. She knew it did. Without her and without Kiara he had nothing. Which is why a part of her could live knowing that he at least had their younger daughter to live for no matter how much it hurt her to be away from her baby. Keeping Kiara away from him was something she would both regret and simultaneously wish she had continued to do so for the rest of her life. While he deserved to be a part of their daughters life, to have more memories of her, at the same time a part of her firmly believed that their daughter would have still been alive today has she kept him away from her despite of how unfair it may be. She could only hope and pray with every fibre of her being that her younger daughter never suffers from a similar fate. That where ever she was, she was loved and happy and most of all safe. She also knew that he loved her even with the hatred he felt for her just like she was helpless against loving him even with all the resentment in her heart towards him. Their relationship was such that it could encompass contradictions like no other.

While a part of her wished more than anything that Prachi could know her father, to feel his love because she was so very loved. Much like she wished she could hold her younger daughter and give her all the love she had carried in her heart for her baby these past 15 years. Both of their daughters were so much more than they could ever imagine. It was unfair that they were being deprived of that but ... but it was just not meant to be. She exhaled deeply and looked up at the sky once again. The price of his love was far too great and she couldn't afford to pay it again. Most of all she couldn't afford to have Prachi or their younger daughter daughter pay for it. No, the way things were now was for a reason. Life had brought them here, to this point for a reason. She was better off not trying to fight destiny. had being a family, their children getting both of their love, been meant for them then they would have never separated in the first place. It was clear to her that while he was meant to become a part of her life, they were never meant to live together.