A Romantic Heart

Romance, the feeling of mystery, excitement and remoteness from everyday life.

Romance to me meant something, rather everything related to love. And I liked love; if I am honest I was in love with the idea of falling in love. I had in my mind, the entire picturesque of how I would fall in love, who I would fall in love with but then again I was never too sure about who because I always believed that life is spontaneous.  Even though the society that I lived in sneered at the mere mention of the word, but that did not falter my heart from chasing after this elusive yet beautiful feeling.

I would read romances of all sorts and imagine many situations and then there was a time when  I used to daydream 98% of the time.

Speaking of love, I cannot help but mention one certain girl. She was an acquaintance of mine, I did not know her that well but I knew her well enough to determine that she was one sweet soul. She and I, we both worked at the same cafe.

I, at that particular time had recently shifted to Delhi for my higher studies. Delhi, a vibrant and beautiful city with the perfect mixture of old and new.

To carry out my day to day small expenses and necessities I wanted to be independent and had adamantly defied my parents, refusing their help and took up the job of a waiter in a quaint coffee shop. And as a student the job paid well enough for me and was less stressful on my studies.

I met Lavanya on the second day of my job. Now that I think of it, she was actually more than an acquaintance for we had this silent connection. We talked less, hardly ever but she understood me better than most of my class and roommates. She would know when I was stressed and send over a cup of coffee from across the floor accompanied with a plate full of my favorite cookies. How she knew that I had no idea, but it must have not been hard considering I always carried a packet of them with me and always kept on munching them. But I did say she was really sweet.

Her smile was contagious and anyone she served was bound to come back, if not for the amazing coffee, then for her genuineness. She made you feel at home even if you are miles away from it. She had an air of positivity around her that never failed to engulfed everyone in it.

I knew that she too like me, was a university student, but it was much later when I learned that she was actually a medical student.

Lavanya had a knack for observing her surroundings and writing down her thoughts. You would always find a leather diary with her initials, with her no matter where she went.

Sometimes I found her sitting in one of the empty chairs at the back towards the corner and stare at almost nothing, just observing and at those rare moments I found myself staring at her, not observing but admiring.

Sometimes I would see her studying, analyzing the people who came into and went out of the café and she would smile for some unknown reason in those particular moments as if conjuring up some private joke. I had wondered if she judged those people but that smile; it never failed to prove me wrong.

Seemingly, I had fallen in love with that smile, and it was not long until I found myself dreaming of waking up to that smile for the rest of my life.

But, I never gained the courage to ever utter a word to her. It was always the strings of silence that kept us bound and I was by a small fraction afraid that she might perceive my intentions even before I ever had the chance to confess. And being an introvert, I always preferred thinking before acting. Also, I believed that everything had its perfect timing and I was waiting for mine, hoping that I hadn't missed it.

It was the 14th of February, Valentine’s Day,  the day of lovers as they say, when I had finally decided that it indeed was that perfect time.

I dressed rather unusual than other normal days and my roommates were out celebrating St. Valentine's birthday. I on the other hand was too nervous to think of anything else but rehearse my lines of confession.

I can’t help but laugh at how long I stood in front of the café’s main entrance, with a bouquet of red roses in one hand and a card and a box full of chocolates in another; some couples pushed past me to enter inside while others chose to enter via the side doors but all of them looked at me as if I was a lunatic and some people even had sympathy shining in their eyes.

 I still remember distinctly how I went in and looked around the room searching for her. She was working that night, I was sure of that but for the love of God, I could not locate her. I asked around and searched for her, then decided to wait for her to show up on her own.

I waited for two long hours; and the night reached its peak.

I saw a man seeking a table but not finding any open one. It seemed he had a date with him. I stood up and gave up my table.

It was nearly midnight, also her shift was supposed to end an hour ago. I decided to find her on my own instead of waiting. It was out of an impulse but considering the venue and the circumstances I couldn't care less.

The receptionist smiled at me and I smiled back. While going out the door, I turned back to ask her, if Lavanya had left or if she had came to work at all.

She answered - “No. She quit this morning.”

“Wha _ I mean really? Uh... Okay.”

Needless to say my hope was shattered and my heart tattered. I thanked her and turned to the door again, but before leaving I gave the roses and chocolates to the elderly receptionist. Her eyes sparked and that somehow lighted a candle inside me, but I kept the card with me.

As I turned to leave, my attention was caught by the couple sitting at the table, that I had been formerly occupying.  They looked so happy and intimate, as if they were the only ones in the room.

The date that the man had with him was none other than Lavanya, my Lavanya.

She looked happy.

I remember crumpling the card and throwing it into the nearest dustbin. I had an impulse to look at her one more time, and at that exact moment she looked towards me and gave that contagious smile of hers. I did not have the courage to smile back at her, for that smile was nothing but taunting me. I bowed my head slightly at her and walked away, with a broken heart and bittersweet memories.

I quit my job the next day and moved away from Delhi, six months later with my degree.

Even though my heart was broken that day, I couldn't hate her. She broke my heart yet taught me how love feels, how heartbreak feels without even knowing it. Those bittersweet memories make me smile every time I look back to them.

I haven't crossed paths with her after that day but I wonder if we do, would she remember. Would I still feel the same when I see her smile?