The Phandom

My letter to Dan

I remember the first times we'd spent together. No worries about what was ahead, no fears of the future. It was just us and that's all that mattered. I remember coming home one day. You had flowers on the table. You said you'd buy them for yourself because you could, because they made you happy.

I remember us sitting there on the sofa watching a movie or just chatting about life. It was almost perfect.

When we talked you'd talk about the future. What's to come. You'd question when will things start. When will things end and I'd have to pull you down to earth and into reality.

When I would do this you'd smile at me with a true smile and deep eyes. And when you'd say 'I love you' you meant it. You were so bright and kind even though I could see the slight worries in your eyes.

You were content in your little place in time and space. The same joyful, carefree being you'd always been.

But then something changed, I'd come home to you staring off into space with red eyes and your door locked. I could hear you crying and when you spoke their was pain in your voice. When I tried asking what was wrong you'd shut me out. I thought it was nothing.

But something never changed. Every day when I came home, I'd see flowers. To everyone on the outside looking in you seemed happy, content. Like your life was full of flowers. But what they didn't know was that the flowers might have been the only thing keeping you sane.

I could hear you saying that you had no one, whilst mumbling aloud in your room even though I'd been here all along for you, the fear of nothing was blocking your sight from everything you had.

Eventually things got bad you'd rant on about everything you could, pacing around. I got worried and tried to help but you just got angry.

You wouldn't go outside or eat or even sleep. You just stared into space and cried about nothing. But you still got flowers delivered to you each day keeping you from losing it.

You got ill and would sit up involuntarily vomiting in the bathroom almost every night with tears rolling down you cheeks rapidly and me there telling you it wouldn't be longer until it's all okay.

You'd make me promise and I would.

I remember the day you were admitted into the hospital. You didn't want to go, or admit there was something wrong. You didn't want to be known as crazy, or mental. All you had to do was let go of your fear of nothing, your fear of there being nothing, your fear of having no one left.

You'd tell me to go home because you didn't want to see me unhappy. Every day I'd bring you flowers and you'd be happy. I'd tell you it won't be longer until it's all okay.

I'd stay at hospital overnight even though you told me to go home. I didn't want to leave you.

One night you convinced me to go. I promised I'd return to you tomorrow with flowers like always and see you. As I walked out you spoke.

"I'm not afraid anymore"

I ran up and held your hand. I spoke words that I regret.

"I promise I will return with flowers to see you tomorrow as always"

I had broken that promise. Everyday I walk into our home still expecting, still hoping and praying to see flowers on the table. Ever since then I buy flowers everyday, pretending your still here even though I know your not. But the flowers keep me sane, when I know nothing else can.

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THAT WAS NOT MY CONTENT.

All credit for this amazing story belongs to StoryTeller107 (her only writing) and you can find her on twitter: @LizzieA4JG

Or me on twitter: @JustPhanStuff

Or tumblr: Amazinglizzieisnotonfire.tumblr.com

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