A Little Unnecessary

I've not always been this way. It's been a slow change, I'd say. It started out playful. Like a game I played with myself. Quickly, this game grew. It spread like a rumor about you, one you didn't even know was meeting everyone's ears around you. Soon, it controlled my every thought and movement. I needed to stop, but this was just a game, so I thought. My brain was cluttered with these thoughts. The same thoughts. Boom. Boom. Unconsciously, it happened. Again, again. Repeating the same thought in my head. An inner feeling pulled me to do it and punished me if I resisted. It dragged my limbs involuntarily. The darkness that consumed me grew into something much more than a game. A swallowing pit of thoughts and movements. It grew bigger and bigger by the day. Boom. Boom. Just then, it happened again. I scold myself for something I am unaware of. It consumes me. Everything I do, I have the same thought. I scream inside my head when it doesn't work like I think it should. I soon realize that the movements are becoming stricter and stricter, unwillingly. Everyday objects become threats in my eyes. A bowl turns into a monster, and no one understands. It's growing, like a plant potted in my mind. Soon, everything I do is dictated by these thoughts. No. Now they were more than thoughts. Something beyond description. A strong feeling, a need. Yes, I needed it. The physical strain I felt every day was growing. But I kept to myself. I needed help, but from where? I felt alone, like I was the only one who felt this need, this indescribable feeling. I had so many questions and no one to answer them. Why? Who? What? It's not fine. It's not something I can deal with. I pleaded for whoever was listening to take it away. But still, It's just a game. I started this. It's my fault. I caused this. I put myself through this. It's not just a game. I can't control it, but I tried. I stopped giving in. Stopped letting it win. Maybe then the temptation that was causing me so much physical and mental pain would go away. I was soon living a life with fewer temptations and fears, a good life. A life free of it, whatever it was. It was on vacation, a leave of absence. This doesn't mean a final part, but a return after a while. Soon, the darkness that once consumed me came back. They missed me. They thought it was fun to torture me day after day. The thought it was fun to pull my body as if I was a puppet controlled by a puppet master. I couldn't just stop now as I did before. I had too much to deal with, too many things to worry about. A simple tap as needed can't hurt. Can it? So, I gave in. I keep giving in. Still, my absurd fears and temptations remain. The invisible line that divides my body left and right still remains. I can't stop them. They grow, and I have learned to give in. Yes, they, whoever it is, won. I don't care, no one else knows. Until now.