I was finally let out of the padded room after three days and nights. Each terrible night I was in there I had the same dream, only they were longer and more vivid each time. I shook whenever I thought about what had happened. I wished I could talk to someone but no one would understand. How could they?
The next few days passed, I didn’t move from my narrow hospital bed. I just took my pills and stared at the cracked ceiling. The smell of sterilised needles and hand sanitizer filled my nostrils as I wondered what was going to happen to me. I was a lost cause. There was no point keeping me there if I didn’t co-operate. Where else could I go? I couldn’t go home. I was a ‘danger to the public’ according to my file so what was the point in living? No one would miss me so why shouldn’t I just end it all now? Miss Cook came into my room. I looked at her pig-like appearance through my blood shot eyes.
“What do you want?” I croaked through my chapped lips.
“There is a visitor to see you Nicole.” She answered. She looked as astonished as I felt. I sat up.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, she’s called Amelia Fog. I believe she is a close relative.”
A huge smile swept across my face. I jumped off the bed and sprinted to the Visiting Room.
“Nicole Fog, your mother is just over there,” one of the nurses said. I saw her and for a moment the whole world stood still. She was sitting at a table, her black hair in a ponytail, her blue eyes gleaming.
“Mum?” I whispered
“Nicole.” Mum said but her tone was flat. She stared at me with no emotion in those big eyes. My face fell. I knew why she was here.
“What are you doing here?” I asked anyway, just to be sure.
“We have some things to talk about.”
I sat down in the uncomfortable plastic chair opposite her. Mum’s phone started to ring. She fumbled in her bag for it. She answered it.
“Hello Natasha. I’m in a meeting so I will call you in five minutes.”
She hung up. I felt a pang of guilt. Natasha would be eleven now.
“How is Natasha?” I asked her. Thinking of the little girl with her black hair in bunches wearing a pretty blue dress.
“She is fine,” She sharply said. I couldn’t believe that this was my mother. How could it be? My mother had never been like this but I hadn’t been there at all for the past two years. She cleared her throat.
“As I was saying,” she continued, “I have decided to legally disown you as my daughter.”
She had said it as if it wasn’t a huge deal. My heart fell like a ton of bricks.
“What?” my voice was cracking. “I don’t understand.”
“I have been thinking about it a lot recently and I think it would be for the best.”
“For who? For me or for you?”
“Nicole, I am trying to be reasonable,” She said softly. For a moment I saw her old self but it was gone in a flash. “I even came here in person to tell you.”
“You act like this is nothing!” I screamed. “You never visited once in all the years I have been here! You think you can dump this on me and swan out? Even if you disown me I am still your flesh and blood!”
“What you did was unforgivable!” she hissed.
“You know nothing Mum! You know nothing.”
“That is enough Nicole!”
The argument had attracted the nurse’s attention. She was marching over. I knew I couldn’t hold it in any longer, I felt like I was going to explode.
“You didn’t ever wonder why he bought me expensive gifts?” I spat. She was looking at me as if I had gone crazy. “He wanted me to keep my mouth shut! You weren’t enough for him Mum! You were never enough you stupid bi-!”
“Enough!” she screamed at me. “He would never do that to me!”
“He did. Under your own roof as well!” I yelled in such passion. “I tried to get him to stop but he wouldn’t! He kept telling me that it would be one more time and it would be over!”
“You’re making this up you dirty little cow!”
The nurse had grabbed me by the shoulders now.
“I’m not! I’m telling you the truth but you don’t want to hear it! When he didn’t stop I had to end it or he would have kept on doing those things to me!”
I had started to sob with anger. My mother looked completely gobsmacked.
“He did no such thing.” She protested. “Stop making up lies you silly girl!”
“I’m not lying!”
The nurse was dragging me away in my outraged state. Before my mother disappeared I shouted.
“Choosing a stupid devilish man over your daughter? That’s what I would expect from a slapper like you!”
I smiled slyly as I was led away, back to my bare room. When I arrived Miss Cook didn’t say anything to me. The look she gave me with her hard grey eyes told me she already knew what I had done. News travels fast, I thought. I dumped my heavy body on my bed and let out a huge sigh. Not of relief but of utter sadness. I hadn’t realised I was crying until Miss Cook handed me a wad of tissues. I snatched them ungratefully from her grasp and blotted my face. I grinned wryly as I thought of my mother’s face. My smile quickly faded. No, she didn’t deserve the things I had said to her. She hadn’t known what he had done even if she had she wouldn’t have been able to stop him.
“What were you smiling at?” Miss Cook asked.
“It’s none of your business!” I snapped. Our conversation ended as she tottered out on her trotter-like feet. I knew no one would understand, I thought.
“I shouldn’t have said anything.” I whispered to the air around me. I closed my eyes and went back to the times before this had happened, before I was in the hospital, even before Mike. I thought of the times when it was Mum, Natasha and me. I scrunched up into a ball trying to block out all the horrid memories and focus on the good ones. I was so tired of living this life. It didn’t seem real. It felt like all of the lies and abuse had happened to someone else. I knew what I had to do, I had thought about it a lot.
“It’s time to give it a shot…” I sighed. I glanced at the white plastic clock on the dreary window sill. Seven o’clock. Another hour until Mrs Powell comes in with my pills, I thought.
That hour lasted a lifetime. I kept plotting and re-plotting my steps until they were perfect and I knew them like the back of my hand. When I glanced at my clock again it was time for Mrs Powell to come in. I heard the door creak open and there she was, punctual as usual. Mrs Powell came over to me. I stared at her bulging pocket, the pills.
“I don’t want another little accident like last time Nicole.” She said sternly. There might not be a next time, I thought as I saw her hand reach into her pocket. As quick as a flash I grabbed them, tore off the cap and swallowed all of the pills.
“Spit them out!” Mrs Powell shrieked. “Spit them out now!”
It was too late. I had swallowed every single one of those little pink capsules. I felt strange.
“Make yourself sick!” Mrs Powell grabbed me and hauled me over to the sink. “Make yourself sick!”
My legs collapsed under me as Mrs Powell ran to get another nurse. “It’s better this way.” I croaked as she left. White froth poured out my mouth. I started to choke. Suddenly half a dozen nurses came in with all sorts of medical instruments. There was shouting and yelling. Nurses were assembling equipment but I had already begun to slip away. My life was broken beyond repair and there was nothing anyone could do for me now. It’s time to let go, I thought. The sound of the frantic men and women around me grew further and further away. I knew I was never going to go out the front door of the hospital, only the back. For a moment everything was clear, even tranquil. I let out my last raspy breath. I left the world as fast as I had entered it.
