Life lessons

What a Tremor feels like

I'm 16 and I suffer from a Benign Familial Essential Tremor. Its most commonly diagnosed in old people so finding someone to confide in is incredibly hard.

 And what's worse is its incredibly lonely. 

For as long as I can remember my hands would shake when opening birthday cards or dancing on stage but it was always but down to excitement. That was never the truth. 

From the outside I must have it all figured out as pain does not exist unless you are bleeding or staggering with a limb or in cast. As if because you cant see, it cannot be there. And as if it is expected that my demons should be worn like a scarlet letter pinned to my chest.

The feeling of uselessness with having a tremor is something that I cannot put into words. That you can't pour a glass of milk without spilling and you can't write without smudging the ink. You know its bad when you have to buy a special kettle so you can make your family a cup of tea without making a mess. Its the simple tasks that kill you- the ones we take for granted.

Some days are better than others. But each one is just a day. It doesn't add up like it did in math class. I can't square root the problem to find the answer because most of the time there is no problem as to why my hands are shaking so much.

And what makes it even worse is there is nothing you can do. Its not like having a panic attack where you can calm yourself down. Because its just there. Its there when I go to bed and its there when I get up. And it will always be there until the day I die.

Its one of my demons and its inside. Though visible to those who know me, the conflict in my brain is all consuming. 

So to anyone that thinks that demons outside are worse than inside and that pain is only visible- consider yourself lucky that you have never experienced the inner demons.