Molly looked up, the rain falling on her face in a constant stream, she lets her hair soak wet through, let her get cold, she deserves it. The sky looked gray and bleak, and the deserted playing field even bleaker. The sadness that she felt was overwhelming, overpowering, a loss of everything. The humiliation of this morning had been enough for her, broke her into a thousand pieces, but yesterday had been worse, but how to explain? That the same time yesterday she had been laughing and dancing and didn't have this pressing weight on her shoulders, or the feeling of drowning in herself, in her mind which seemed as grey as the sky. But how to explain?
Yesterday morning, like any other, at school, a Friday. She did her day with anticipation, the evening set out to be was much better than any algebra or facts about rivers, anything school could offer her. She became more excited as the day went on, and then as she walked home, didn't even notice the subtle rain coming thinly from the clouds. That anticipation, of being there. Of seeing him. Sebastian Moran was always at the parties, he came as an almost "bodyguard" to the school's resident psycho; Jim Moriarty. But it was always Seb, always him that Molly longed to be there, and he always was.
Feeling like she was making too much of a fuss as usual, she styled her hair and perfected her outfit for the 2 hours she had before it started. Checking one last time in the car's mirror before getting out, she realised she hadn't eaten. It didn't matter. Within twenty minutes the party was in full swing, the games being played, spilling beer all over the kitchen floor.
Two beers and one shot downed.
Molly picked up her cup and wandered back into the tiny kitchen to refill it. He was there. Her heart started to beat faster than she thought possible, as she avoided all eye contact and looked to the floor, hoping desperately that when she looked up he would be looking over. A small glance up assured this, when both their eyes met and then as she quickly looked away.
Two more beers.
She didn't know how they ended up standing next to each other but suddenly he was there. And they were talking, but it didn't make much sense to either of them. He lead her into the lounge to the sofa.
Two shots of rum.
Outside, they were somehow both there, he with something more, the 'not drink' side of the party.
Another beer.
Back on the sofa, too many people, he said, makes them leave the room. Molly feels very happy with life.
Outside, he has his arm snaked around her shoulders, holding her in, someone is throwing up into a bin. Outside is very cold. Molly doesn't even notice.
Upstairs. Staggering too much, gone blurry, music all fades into one distant humming noise. Everything blurry. Bedroom. Too far. Not right. Helpless, can't stop anything, too drunk to realise that she can. Scared, and then abandoned.
Downstairs, blurry still. When did it get so dark? Half an hour. Nothing's different and yet everything is. Leaving, Molly doesn't quite understand yet.
-
Morning.
She understands. The cold sweat breaking out as she wakes up and realises it wasn't a dream. Must get out, grabs her coat and her bag and bolts. Consequences are now Molly's responsibility, too many things have gone wrong, she feels empty inside, useless and powerless, and angry. Very angry. Why should this happen to her? Why her?
No, It's her own fault anyway. It can't be anyone else's fault for her own actions, despite them not being her choice.
Safety measures, the look on the woman's face. She will never forget that look. Tears. Hundreds of tears. Falling into the black depths of despair, with no escape, questioning what could, did and maybe happened? What if's floating in her mind as she walks, trying to shake it away, trying to think. Is it? Is it not? No, she's making too much of a fuss. Can't help it. She feels wounded and insecure, like everyone who looks, knows, like they sense it and judge. Everything is ruined because of something so trivial. You can forget that emotions come with things, she can't separate herself from them. They overwhelm her, swarm her with dark thoughts.
It was meant to be special.
