It appears that I have been sentenced to permanently exist in the presence of my intern, the intern I met in Hell Week: Changmin.
I remember Changmin. He thinks he's my friend. He's wrong. He is not my friend. He is my enemy.
Of course he is not as much of an enemy as They are, but I still deem it appropriate to classify him as one. I remember very clearly the viciousness of the lies he wrote in his report about me to Markman. He called me callous and selfish. He called me crazy.
"I'm not crazy," I announce impatiently to Changmin and Dr. Morgan. They are both studying me keenly, their pens poised and ready to sign off on the continuation of my involuntary treatment order.
It was a lie, of course. I know I'm crazy. I destroyed my brother because I am crazy. But, I don't want to be here, so I have to convince Dr. Morgan and Changmin that I am sane and should be discharged. I need to convince them both that I am well enough to be released into the community.
It is never going to happen, but one can hope.
"You don't think you're crazy?" Dr. Morgan reiterates. I don't like Dr. Morgan. At all. In fact, I hate her. She is even better at reading my mind than Markman and that scares me. She has this way of looking into my eyes and forcing me to speak to her and tell her about my feelings. As a result I have been forced to build two extra walls since arriving at Brock and meeting her. She obviously isn't human. She is obviously evil.
I nod, agreeing with her statement.
"So, you were in your right mind when you hurt Mikey?" she asks.
What the fuck kind of question is that?! Who asks someone that? Fuck. That is why she is evil. I am no longer referring to her as Dr. Morgan, she shall be Dr. Evil.
I don't reply to her statement. I feel my chest tighten as she forces me to think about the brother I have destroyed. I have spent a lot of time coming up with ways to not think about Mikey, but Dr. Evil pushes the topic every time she sees me.
"Hyunjoon?" Dr. Evil presses.
"I don't know!" I say defensively. To be honest, I don't even remember hurting Mikey, so I have no way of knowing whether I had been in my right mind or not.
Dr. Evil watches me carefully and I quickly smooth out my facial features. I can't let her see how much pain it causes me to think about Mikey. "So, you don't think you're crazy, Hyunjoon?"
"Crazy is a very strong word," I object nonchalantly, and study my fingernails. Acting nonchalant is one of the walls I have built. It is very effective. I need to give the impression of being indifferent and in control. Being in control is the very opposite of crazy and I can't be both.
Dr. Evil looked surprised. "I'm using your word, Hyunjoon," she said. "You were the one who used the word in the first place when you told me you weren't crazy. In fact, I don't think you're crazy at all. I think you're sick."
My wall of nonchalance weakened slightly at the word 'sick.' Markman often tried to convince me that I was sick. Chanhee tried to do the same thing. I'm not sick.
Sickness implies weakness and weakness implies that I am not up to the challenge of carrying these secrets. Jasper is wrong; I am not a pathetic and weak choice for a secret keeper. I have kept the secrets safe for years. I'd pay a lot of money to know of anyone else who could do a better job than that. Most secret keepers barely last six months, but not me.
I clench my fists together tightly. "I'm not sick," I say, weighing each word heavily and spitting it out like it is poison.
Dr. Evil nods. "So, you're not sick, and you're not crazy?" she asks.
