13 Reasons Why

Ali

I'm going to predict that my dad will be next to visit me, that is if he shows up. My mom or Caleb will probably be after him, and I doubt Miranda and "A" are going to make an appearance.

"Hi, Hanna," Ali said (uncharacteristically) nicely.

Wait a second, why does her voice sound so similar, you know despite the obviousness that she's my "friend"? Oh god. Before Wren gave me those pills, Ali's voice was the one that I heard inside my head, the one telling me to kill myself again.

Hanna was calm one second, but as soon as she realized that was indeed Ali's voice telling her to commit suicide again, she started shaking. On top of that, her heart was beating fast, she was sweating, and she was hyperventilating.

"Hanna? Hanna, are you okay? Dr. Sullivan, what's wrong with her?!" Ali shouted.

"I... can't...breathe..." Hanna managed to say through her shortness of breath.

"She's having a panic attack, Alison," answered Dr. Sullivan. "Hanna, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of. You're safe here. Panic attacks are only temporary, but I need you to breathe, Hanna. Can you do that for me, please?" she asked as if she was talking to a small child.

Hanna nodded her head.

"Good. I want you to take a deep breath in for four seconds, then let it out for four seconds and repeat."

Hanna tried doing as her therapist asked, but she was having difficulty especially with Ali still in the room. She looked over at Ali, and Dr. Sullivan understood what Hanna wanted. "Alison, would you mind stepping out for a moment, please? Hanna and I need some privacy."

Alison nodded her head in understanding, then got up and left the room.

Dr. Sullivan walked over to Hanna and rested her hand on the young girl's shoulder. "Is that better, Hanna?"

Hanna nodded again. "Don't worry, Hanna. I'm going to help you get through this. Just remember to breathe. That's the most important thing right now."

Hanna, again, tried doing what Dr. Sullivan asked, and this time she was successful. She could feel her heart rate starting to slow down, and she wasn't shaking as much. After ten long minutes, Hanna had finally calmed down.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened, Hanna? It's only the two of us now," Dr. Sullivan asked as she took a seat next to Hanna on the loveseat.

"Before Wren... err... Dr. Kingston gave me that prescription for the Netflixor..."

"Effexor?" corrected Dr. Sullivan.

"Yeah, that one. Anyway, before I started taking that medication, there was this voice in my head urging me to kill myself again. And I just realized that it was Ali's voice telling me to do it."

"I see. Do you not wish to continue this session, Hanna? I don't want to risk the chance of you having another panic attack or worse."

"No. I'll continue it. I need to face Ali. If I don't, I don't know if I'll ever fully recover."

"Okay, Hanna. If that's what you want, I'm not going to stop you. I'll go bring Alison back in," she said as she made her way to the door.

A minute later, Dr. Sullivan and Ali resumed their spots in their respected chairs.

"Hanna, was I the cause of your panic attack? Is that why you had me leave, Dr. Sullivan?"

Hanna nodded, answering both questions.

"Oh... I was never a good friend to you or Spencer, Emily, and Aria. But I honestly thought I was helping you guys by telling you what to wear, how to act, who to like. I never realized how bad that felt – to be on the other side of that. So, I'm sorry. For bullying you, for nicknaming you 'Hefty Hanna', for helping you binge, for getting you into this 'A' mess, and for basically ruining your life. I was supposed to be your friend, Hanna but I never treated you like one. You deserved so much better, Han and I'm so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I need you to know that you're worth it, Hanna. You're worth so much more than you think or anyone has made you think, that includes me. You've always stood by me through thick and thin. Now I'm going to do the same for you. After all, that is what friends are supposed to do," was Ali's response.

"Ali, you were the best friend I ever had. And that meant a lot to me – you meant a lot to me. But you were also the worst enemy I ever had."

"I know, Han. But my friends, you, are my rock. Without you, I am lost in the woods."

"You'd feel lost without me?"

"I was lost without you when I was gone for those two years. I had no one, except for you four. If it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't be where I am today, alive. Not to sound cheesy, but your love and my love for you guys is what brought me back to Rosewood. That's why I visited you in the hospital after Mona hit you with that car. I didn't care what happened to me after that, I just needed to know if you were alive and safe. And of course you were, you had so many people who care about you surrounding you. Like Spencer, Emily, Aria, Sean, Lucas, your mom, etc. And it's the same thing now, Hanna. All of us on the tapes care about you. That's why we're coming to these sessions. We (again) need to know that you're alive and safe. And most importantly, we all want to keep you that way."

"Thank you for saying all that, Ali. I'd never thought in a million years that you would ever apologize to me or say that you love me. So thank you. That means more than you could ever know. And I'm sorry for whatever happened to you during those two years you were gone. Before we knew you were alive, the four of us stopped at nothing to find out what happened to you and who might've done it."

"Thanks, Han and I know. You guys have proven over and over again how loyal you are even after the horrible ways I've treated you," Ali paused before adding: "Hanna, I also want to apologize for putting you through an identity crisis. Not knowing who you are can be one of the worst things that anyone can go through. And you could never be me, Hanna. I don't mean that superficially. I mean that I could never be you. Nice, loyal, and most importantly, a good friend."

"I forgive you, Ali."

"Really?"

"Yes. Really. You're not the same person you were two years ago. You've changed, for the better. The Ali I knew two years ago would've never said something as heartfelt as you just said so I forgive you."

"I love you, Ali," Hanna said as Ali got up and hugged her.

"I love you too, Han," replied Ali. Saying the most honest thing she had ever said in her entire life.