I watched; watched as he weaved his ways through the aisles; watched as he smiled and continued to help my coworkers with their questions, wondering why I couldn't keep that piece of him to myself. Wondering why I wouldn't let myself even tell him. I sit in my bay, my own voice screaming in my head for him to just stop; stop at my desk to speak to me, say hi, and catch up. I slowly waited for my turn as he made his way to me like he does every day, and just like every other day I chant in my head 'tell him, tell him how you feel.' Though, just like every other day, I know I won't.
"Hi," his voice echoed in my head he finally made it to me. I looked up smiling at him, I ran my eyes over his face to get my fill, respond I need to respond.
"Hey," and so off went the conversations. Him telling me about things going on in his life and I catch him up on mine, us both laughing, joking, goofing off, things are going pretty smooth, things seem right again. Until her name slipped past his lips. That dreaded name. Why does he do this to me? The only one to blame though is me, I won't tell him. So I will continue to help him figure out if she returns his feelings, talk to her about him to get a feel for what she thinks about him. I've already figured it out though, she doesn't like him. I should feel happy, means I have that much more of a chance, but telling him will also bring on some new pain for him. So as my new discoveries spill out, as I tell him that, no, I don't think she returns his feelings, I watch as he retreats from me mentally and then physically as another hand goes up. I watch as he walks around the floor that slight spring in his step gone as he helps the ever raising hands. I wait for him to come back and talk to me some more but as the clock ticks and the minutes turns into hours I know he's going to avoid me again. So I sit back down in my bay, lace my fingers together, and remind myself again and again that I must not cry.
Blink once, don't cry
Twice, don't cry
Please just don't cry, it doesn't seem to matter how hard I try though because I feel the first tear slowly fall down my face, and after the first one slipped out I felt others follow. I watched my fingers knot into each other, grasping onto the other as if holding my own hand would make me feel less alone. I watched as my hands started to blur as my eyes filled with more and more tears. Beeeeep. Finally, a distraction. Caller after caller, helping each and every one, I do everything to keep myself busy. I have to do whatever I can do to distract myself. If I wasn't on a call I was watching him, my eyes tracking him down as he continued to walk the floor stepping out every once in a while then quickly coming back. As I watch him I reminded myself to just breath.
Every breath; every inhale; my voice echoed through my head reminding myself to stay strong.
Don't cry; don't cry; don't cry.
As I feel my eyes filling with tears again I put myself in break, almost running from the floor. I grabbed my phone and stepped outside. As the sun hits my face I warmed up slightly, it was actually a decent day outside today. I walked around the building, wanting to get away from the crowds of people so I could be by myself to break down for a few minutes. So I can let the pain out without fear of someone seeing or a call interrupting me. Luck was not on my side though because as I rounded the corner I saw him. So I ducked my head and pretended to check my phone and sat leaning against the building away from him. After sitting there for a few minutes I felt someone sitting beside me. "hey." I looked up meeting his eyes and as his eyes filled with concern after noticing the tear tracks down my checks, and the red tint to my eyes, but before he could ask me any questions I interrupted him. "I know you wanted me to tell you that she liked you back but I'm sorry I couldn't."
"No its okay. If I didn't want an honest answer I wouldn't have asked you. I just don't know what to do now."
"Want me to tell you what you're going to do now?"
"You don't understand. You don't know what it feels like to like a person that sees you as a friend."
"I do, I get that more then you could ever imagine. What's going to happen now is nothing. You're going to continue to be her friend. You are going to be there for her helping her find and become the best woman she can be. While she is building herself you will work on yourself. You have to find the person that you want to be. Only you truly have to live with yourself so when it comes down to it make sure you are proud of the person that you are and if you aren't doing what needs to be done to become that person then you need to change that. If this doesn't work for you then talk to her, she knows now how you feel and you know how she feels. If you can't just be friends right now tell her, tell her that you would like to be her friend but you can't right now. Tell her that you need a little bit of time to get over the feelings of attraction and do just that. Don't let yourself get stuck on the what ifs. Move on; use this to become a better you; and who knows maybe in the future you guys will be together but right now it isn't the time for that." His eyes watched me the whole time I was speaking and I wished, wished I was brave enough to spill my emotions but this was not the time; so I painted on a smile and stood; holding my hand out to him I gestured for him to take it, so he did after giving me a weird look. I pulled him up to his feet then pulled him towards me wrapping him in a hug. Slowly after getting over the initial shock, he wrapped his arms around me and he hugged me back.
"What's this for?" he asked as he rested his chin on my head, still hugging me
"You looked like you needed a hug. I know I'm not the person you wanted one from but a hug is a hug." As I spoke I hid my face in his chest, hiding the tears that stream down my checks once again. This hug was also very much for me because I knew I needed to push away my feelings. He needed me to help him; needed me to help him find himself so that is what I will do. Help him become the best version of himself, and hope, hope that maybe I have a place in his future, but knowing I probably never will.
Don't cry.
