A Broken Girls Mind

Her Family

To her family, Delanie was a smart, strong, beautiful young woman. From a young age, she was taught that she was going to go on to do tremendous things. Bless it that young age was four when she was first taught to read a book. From there she developed her love of reading. To her family she was unique. Her mom wanted her to go on to become a very successful student. Her dad wanted her to see how beautiful she was on the inside and the outside. Her sister wanted her to see how much of an inspiration to her she was. Her brother wanted her to realize how important she was to everyone. But alas all Delanie ever truly thought was that she was an outsider.

That idea went with her throughout her life and maybe if she had spoken with her family extensively about how she felt she wouldn't have had those doubts within her friend group. Delanie never truly allowed herself to feel the love she deserved and had. She wanted to open up to her family, but in her mind, she always seemed to wonder what the point of it would be? To her, the things that she felt wouldn't have mattered to anyone else other than herself. How can you tell the people who are supposed to love you the most that you don't feel worthy of love? How can you tell the people who are supposed to accept you that you feel like an outsider? So she didn't. She kept it to herself and when she had those days where she couldn't hold it in, her mom would notice. They never had the best of relationships so for them, the conversations always ended in the worst of ways. But her relationship with her mom is a story for another time. For now just now her relationship with her family went on to affect her regular everyday relationships.

She never was able to fully open up to her family let alone someone who had no obligation to be in her life. She had shut her family out in the smallest ways until eventually no one truly knew her so no one in her family could tell when she was having off days because for them Delanie had changed and the old Delanie was nowhere to be found. Maybe if she hadn't shut her family out Delanie would know that she was always loved by them. That regardless of everything she had done they still wanted to be there for her and that she was needed in their lives. She wanted to let them know what she was going through, but she couldn't formulate the words to express how she felt. After years of trying so hard to subdue this bundle of unknown emotions, they took over her life. She spent the free time of her days and the sleepless hours of her nights trying to understand what she was feeling. What she was going through. Why was her mind like this? How could she lay in her bed and cry when others slept and dreamed? The nights she did sleep were often dreamless until she met Roman. Again another chapter for another time.

All she ever really wanted was to feel accepted in all aspects of her life, but every time she believed she was finally being accepted that ounce of doubt spread like cancer through her mind and she knew she would never fully be able to get rid of that feeling. The root of the problem my friend was the fact that Delanie never truly accepted herself. She never truly learned to love herself so she searched for love in everything else around her.