The Slavic Shadow

Meditation

They suggested meditation to control my absolutely bad temper. And so I thought, what do I have to lose? Brought a chair in front of my window, lit some vanilla scented candles and I sat down. Started counting my breaths with my eyes closed, feeling my heartbeat. I had to focus on the things my body touched such as my body on the chair and my feet against the marble floor. I took a few deep breaths and tried to scan my body analyzing any physical discomfort - or mental. After I was done with that I had to question myself. Why did I wake up at 6 A.M. and sat like an idiot in front of my window? They said it helps you calm down. Clear your head from bad thoughts or memories. Yet I'm still here thinking about the crap I've been through. Still wondering about my distorted memories and if I'll ever be able to know more about my past. The Red Room, what KGB really hid while I was working for them. The images of the bodies I've brutally murdered - I've lost count of them - still wander around my mind constantly, not letting me sleep or focus on anything else other than my job. My heartbeats were rising and rising by now. All my work to calm down was slowly falling apart. Determined to succeed however with this whole meditation-situation, I kept my eyes closed and tried to take some more deep breaths. I had to succeed right? But you cannot force peace. You have to be patient in order to achieve it over the time, with plenty of sessions. But I cannot be patient anymore. I need an effective way to strangle the demons that constantly chase me whether I'm asleep or awake.
My eyes are still shut...
Come on Natalia, you can do this. Maybe happy thoughts will work?
Memories of a few people that make me happy pop up inside of my head and there I can find James as well. We've been through so much, the good old days when we fought side by side, sharing the same bed with any chance we had. But as much as these thoughts can give me just a taste of what happiness really is, worse memories sneak in to haunt me down. My beloved soldier, I tried to kill him once, my brain full of false facts, I couldn't even recognize him, my own memories and brain were a game in the hands of a psychopath who labelled himself as a doctor.
My eyes were open now and I could feel wrinkles forming on my face because of my anger.
I have to take revenge of all the idiots that tried to bring me down.
I closed my eyes for what seemed to be two seconds, I doubt it was more than that.
Quickly stood up, even angrier that all this meditation wasn't going to work for me, more time wasted on bullshit. Who am I trying to fool? My own self? I can't hide behind such tactics, my brain's too sick for that. Too sick to try even controlling the snakes crawling inside of it, tightening their grip on my memories, making them more painful.
With a quick move of my leg I kicked the small wooden chair which fell against the cold floor. I just wanted to forget.
With another move the chair broke to a few pieces as I let out a frustrated shout.
Nothing will ever be able to work for me. And the longer it takes for me to decide I have to deal with that truth, the worse it is for me and the few ones surrounding me.
I headed to the kitchen, quickly grabbed a bottle of vodka and cracked it open with my teeth. My back was against the wall as it slowly started sliding down.
I wrapped my lips around the bottle and started taking large sips, letting the drink burn my throat. The clock across the room was ticking.
6:30 A.M.

//Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed this part. If you have anything specific in mind for future stories you can always send me requests ^-^