GOLDEN REBEL HEART

Taylor's Journal, April 2020

TAYLOR'S JOURNAL, APRIL 2020
New York City

Going back to the USA was strange. When I got off the plane, I expected soldiers with red uniforms to come and attack us. But then, I looked down at my clothes and saw a black sweatshirt and dark jeans instead of light blue and hopeful yellow, and realized that there was no civil war, here in New York. The streets weren't as dangerous, the air wasn't as cold and pure, and people weren't as poor.

The pilot helped me with my luggage, and with an extremely weird feeling sitting at the pit of my stomach, I called a taxi and went back to my apartment, where Anika, my grandmother, lived. It's been four months, and the first thing she did when she saw me was pull me in and hug me tightly. I was afraid to touch her, to hurt her, so I simply placed my hands on her arms and told her I loved her. Anika didn't look that ill; she was pale, her breath was a little ragged, but she was still an old woman. She didn't tell me what disease was slowly killing her, but I didn't want to get the details. I just wanted to be there, with her, hold her hand and laugh about everything and nothing.

The first day we just stayed inside the house; she lied down on the couch and I sat in front of her, on a chair, and combed her hair, as if she was a little girl who wanted braids. The sound of traffic was unfamiliar to me, and slightly unpleasing. I had been so used to the peaceful silence of Pradesh, that I had taken it for granted.

Anika asked me about Pradesh; starting from the nature, to the people, and then, to the rebel movement. I didn't tell her about the truth that I had discovered, because I didn't want to fight nor put her under pressure. But I told her about the new leader instead. How she is driven, and down to earth, and so kind and gentle. I told her about Karlie for long minutes, until I finally stopped and she looked at me.

Anika said to me, "Do you like this girl?"

And I replied immediately, "Of course I like her. She's great."

Of course I was playing dumb. Of course I knew she didn't mean it that way. After Dianna, I was delicate. Frail. And she was just worried about me. But the look in her eyes when she repeated the question told me that she knew that I was lying to myself. And that I still hadn't admitted that I liked Karlie, as more than a friend.

We never talked about the leader of the Golden Path, after that conversation. Our time was spent in silence, or talking about what happened in the city, or what was shown on the television. I enjoyed staying with her. Anika has always been a solar person, but the more days passed, the more I saw that light vanish. She was disappearing in front of my eyes, and I felt so powerless. Because I couldn't hold onto her hand and hope that death couldn't take her away from me. Sooner or later, she would join Ajay, and then my mother. And then I would be alone. No family waiting for me.

I cried tears of pain and sorrow in the loneliness of my bedroom, which now seemed to belong to someone that I didn't know. I was so different before this trip, that when I entered my room I thought that I was in the wrong house. The pictures hanging on my walls were with friends that now didn't care about me anymore. The grinning face of my ex-girlfriend haunted me, because it was a smile that now belonged only to heaven. And then there was my guitar. Black, like the feeling burning inside my heart.

I played that instrument to my grandmother the third night, and she fell asleep to the sound of my voice.

And, as night came, and I looked out the window, I realized that everything was just so different.