Nothing's Guaranteed

Chapter 1

Chapter One

"I'm coming home.

I'm coming home.

Tell the world I'm coming home.

Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday."

-Diddy

~~Sydney~~

I watch many familiar buildings from my childhood pass me by as we maneuver our way through the busy intersection. This place has not changed a bit and familiarity will be good for China and I. Can't say that I missed living in Chicago, but something is reassuring about seeing something familiar since life has started to feel more foreign. Since the accident I have not been myself, but hopefully this move will remind me of the old Sydney.

We pass our old neighborhood, and for just a split second I catch the edge of our old house before the neighborhood opening ends and I am forced to look at another endless row of buildings. One thing that would make this move back to Chicago a lot easier would be the chance to stay in the home our parents raised us in. Everyday since China and I were sent down to Florida to live with our grandma I could not stop wondering if a new family was enjoying our home. Were they making it their own? While my parents were alive they made our home one of the best places to be. I always felt safe surrounded by those walls, my parents, my sister, and my little cousin. Then again, not living in our old house is for the best because I know I would think of my parents often. Even the year that has passed has not changed how much I miss them. I think about my dad's terrible jokes and his undeniable love for music. He used to always tell me music was his first love until he met my mother, and that was when he realized the true meaning of life. On the nights where memories of them flow through my mind the strongest I always think of how warm my mom's hugs used to be and how lovely her voice was every time she worked to lull me to sleep at night as a kid.

Hopefully one day I can go back just to see what the place looks like. See what the new owners have changed, or if majority of everything is the same. I used to have dreams of travelling back to our old house just so I can feel that safety again. Life has not been the same without them, and I am still coming to terms with the fact that life will never be the same again.

"You two, we're almost there. Are you excited to see your sister?" I can hear her, I'm just pretending like I can't. I never turned on my music in the first place, I just put in my earphones so that no one would talk to me. This ride has been hard enough alone on its own, but our social worker never makes things easier with her sympathetic and "understanding" tones. She handles us how she was trained to but I always feel more like another case to close for her than actual people living actual lives that have not been as spot on as we could have hoped. She has proved though that she can be very blind in understanding the emotions of people around her a number of times since we got on the plane in Florida.

I have not seen my sister since my parent's funeral. Sometimes I wonder if the pain was too great for her so she felt it was best to keep her distance. There were times I thought she hated me and had wished that I had been the one to die in the accident and that our parents had lived. I love my sister, but from the moment she left for college our sisterly bond we used to share became anything but reality. The fact that now I must live with her when she abandoned me the most does not sit right with me. I could have just stayed and helped take care of my grandmother. I would not have been a bother and she probably would have been grateful to have someone that she is close to help take care of her. She was adamant on me not staying behind to care for her though. If I spent senior year of my high school career going to school and then coming home to take care of her she felt I would miss out on a very crucial point in my life. I begged and pleaded for her to let me stay, and even promised to be a complete asshole any time I felt the need to live a normal teenage life. She just laughed, hugged me, and said I would understand later on while I was in the moment. I miss her.