Fuck You All

Part 1. (fuck you!!!!! 😇)

They all hate me. Every single one of them. They all hate me😂😂. What the fuck did I do? Am I the monster? Do I have this black cloud towering over me everywhere I go? They all hate me. I do nothing. I try to be happy and nice...I cannot out my finger on it though why they all hate me. I almost died bro. I almost gave up til I decided to write. It's the only friend I have. Sounds bad but it's the truth. I'm getting tired of trying new friend groups it's all so draining..they all hate me anyways. The only people who don't see the ones like me...the outcasts.. and they welcome me.. some of them walk with the crowd but alot of them welcome me. They open their arms to me...to people like me.

Maybe I am a fucking monster...maybe I am the God damned devil. Damn you devil always making a fool out of me. Wow. I'm all I have. They don't accept nor do they like me..and my tears...my tears they fall...to the ground...it's okay though....I like me...I mean as twisted as I am...I like me ..all I have is me. I'm an author and I write about my every day things. I am not creative so don't even get me started.. I cannot fabricate a story but I can display it beautifully..... I am a realist that is who I am...I have been through a series of personality changes in my life...it all started with me hating my name...that all started with me hating my mom who gave me that name...and along with that I hated where I came from. The slums...not just physically...but spiritually.. that energy was nothing pretty. So yeah I hated my name...I wanted a better one. I wanted to be someone who was beautiful and improved..I did ....DO not want that negativity behind my name. My name is star. That name gives me love and hope and power.. that is the name that speaks to me like nothing else. Star.. the most wonderful thing out there.

When I was younger...I hated where I came from...I still do....I hate ignorance and I will not embody that shit. Another thing is...not only do I have IT. It hates me I have no idea what people see when they see me... but throughout my whole life I get there dirty looks...wtf...these dirty looks...as if I'm the worst thing walking the planet...I wonder what charity work they do in their spare time. And the worst part in all of this is loneliness... Someone tell me this...how in the hell do you try hard..make the effort.. talk.. laugh and joke with people your whole life even online and STILL get rejected and then when you accept life for what it is... decide no to go through with suicide and just write your life away in isolation...do people criticize you for being antisocial and just not trying hard enough. No bitch I tried and I still don't make the cut. And the saddest part in all of this is the fact that I thought I was tired of trying to get people to like me...but the dire need to feel love just completely takes over snd suddenly im energized again. I won't die because I like apple products.. Wouldn't wanna give those up.. another thing is I like abuse... So much...I have no idea why.. Perhaps too much self deprication is unhealthy??? Whenever a man down talks...me...I squirm...and I want to cum so bad...it makes me wet....he could but me and then lick me up...and I'd feel alive. I will chase after it because I want and need it. My boyfriend currently- he does not understand my life ...he does not understand that no I do not like nice guys...nice guys don't teach me what I need to learn. I am an open vessel for abuse.

I hate myself....even if on the surface I am kept. Deep down in my core...I fucking hate everything I am. I am a monster just like they say and when I see other people wanting to hurt me...I accept. See.... having sled respect is not respected...it is more like a sin...just as not having any will get you talked about left and right...when you love yourself you will receive the same amount of backlash... All I can do is be real with myself. I feel so low... No one understands...I feel low. I also feel though that through death there is rebirth so who knows what could come out of it ...all I know is I need this cleanse. I need it. I also cannot take anger and hate....it hurts..... I am lonely but guess what.....I am just going to have to deal with it. Who cares about me? No one.