ѕιℓєит ¢яιєѕ

Let Me Share With You A Little Secret

I don't eat because I need to feed my family.
I don't sleep because I'm scared of what could happen to me.
When someone annoys me I get too aggressive.
And they all say it's excessive.
I agree with them, of course, but I don't know how to fix it.
For I was brought up in a house where it wasn't unusual to be the victim.
Yes, my dad abuses me. If it wasn't already so obvious. He's a disgusting son of a bitch... but I guess you could call me a hypocrite.
I've spent my whole life hiding who I am. Because no matter what anyone says to comfort you, they end up judging you anyway. The only place where I feel safe is online. Weird, right? But no one knows who you are. You can be whoever you choose to be, and so I can finally live my life as someone else who can do what I want to do.
Depression is something which will always be with me. No matter how much I try to get rid of it or forget it, it always stays there in the back of my mind. Yes, there have been times where I didn't want to live anymore, and I'm still trying to find something to live for, but at least I haven't gotten worse in a while.

Not since the last time I tried to commit.

Whenever I meet anyone who wants to be my mommy or daddy, I end up getting too attached to them. I'm scared that they'll eventually forget about me and won't need me anymore, which is why I'm so insecure around them.

You know what? I don't even know why I'm bothering to write all this, since I'm probably not gonna publish it anyways. But hey, at least it's here just in case.

Just in case I want to spill everything to everyone.

What a dumbass I am.

•

Ah, I'm back after four days. Writing this stupid chapter again.

You wanna know why? 

Because I wanna die.

I had a panic attack last night, one of the worst in my life. I wanted to... well I won't tell you the gory detail... but after thinking about that stuff I panicked. I was crying beforehand anyways, and with the tears rolling down my cheeks all the way to my neck, it honestly felt like blood dripping. I couldn't handle it anymore. Fuck, I'm about to cry just writing about it.

I don't know what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this chapter. I guess it's a way for people to get to know the real me straight away. Because once I start showing a few signs of depression when they've only known me as a happy little boy, they run away.

Once they know about all the problems I have, they're scared to talk to me. Why? Maybe it's because they're scared of making it worse, or don't have anything to say, or just don't want to deal with all my shit.

But who could blame them? No one wants to deal with a little who has depression, suicidal thoughts, anxiety and anger management issues.

(Started crying)

No one would want something so broken and useless.

My family don't like me. They don't care for me. I'd much rather be with my friends... except I always feel like a bother to them. I'm too clingy, and I always want attention...

And yet I can't say any of this to them, because then they'll become too worried about me.

•

Sunday 24th February 2019  —> my latest suicide attempt.

I remember writing a note and leaving it everywhere for people. In text messages, even on Wattpad. I'm sure that some of the people who've known me on here for a long time will remember that... if they actually cared.

It wasn't anywhere as near as long or revealing as this though.

It was much more apologetic.

In fact, I still have it.

I read it from time to time and remember all the reasons why I felt like I did.

And it's all coming back. And I hate it.

I hate that I'm feeling like this again, I just want it all to go away. To leave me alone already. W-why won't it ever end...?

I-I want it to just e-end already...

W-wan it t-to end...

W-wanna end...