And he's gone once again. The same as the day before and any day prior, it's only gotten worse. He comes by more than once a week now, even comes multiple times a day if it's a bad day. I have a feeling I know what lead to this but I never expected what's happening to him, he changed, I no longer feel the warmth I once felt when we first shared our love. He's distant now. What else can I do but give in to what he needs, he holds me in the palm of his hand, I'm bound to him; my heart, body, and soul all belong to him.. yet he doesn't realize it. All he does it use me as he pleases.
It's starting to become overwhelming,
all I keep hearing is him saying her name now;
He used to say mine..
It's been a months since our last encounter. He said something about a mission and that he would be gone awhile but I would be the first to see him when he got back. Normally I look forward in seeing my beloveds face after he got back from being away for so long, but not anymore I feel dread when he come now, I've let this get to far. He was my best friend.
Now he is more of a visitor I get. We don't speak, he isn't much of a talker anyways, but he used to listen.
I stay quiet now. I have no purpose in using my voice, I only make noises when we are together; That's how he likes it, to hear me voice what I want and how good it is.
It's just sex now.
It's not love.
but..
He loved me right?
I mean why else would he have wanted to be my first. He said I shouldn't be doing dirty things like that with anyone else but him because I love him.
I want to confront him about this but I'm scared; What if he leaves. What will I do.
I am in love with him.
But he loves her now, I guess I wasn't good enough for him, so he went and found someone better.
*All those thoughts kept circling my brain as the tears ran down my porcelain face.
I lost track of what was happening around me until it was past my control, I had carved my legs with numerous deep jagged lines, the blood was covering my entire kitchen floor. I smiled, the pain was fading, it was 1:48 in the morning. I know no one will come for me till at least noon and by than I will be gone. I don't remember grabbing the knife on the counter or when I left the comforts of my warm covers, non the less I was feeling happy, I didn't feel the pain of my thoughts anymore. I was finally thoughtless.
I took the knife and cut deep lines on both my scaring wrist, as more of my crimson liquid gushed out and stained my midnight blue sleeping t-shirt, which barely covered my rear, but that was okay because I was in the comforts of my home. Right? Why was I trying to worry about my modesty when I would be dead by the time someone found me, it's not like it matters then, or does it? Such an odd thought crossed me just as my hand started letting go of my knife and I finally started to feel my eyelids get heavier than normal, I started to see him, it felt like a dream come true. He was my dying wish. I could almost feel his warm hands touching my face one last time as I finally let myself fall into the darkness that I had been so afraid of.
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Hey little llamas,
Hope you all like this, more to come soon enough :)
-Author
