Should Have Known Better

Ch 3

 It's foolish to think you can avoid someone forever, and a fool I am not. Still, I kept to myself for a few days, locked up in Mam's house, in my childhood bedroom, in the very bed I used to lay in reminiscing Seannie's touch. I told him that once, a brief dirty whisper against the shell of his ear, seconds before his fingertips pressed into my hips hard enough to bruise and he spilled over the edge.

"That's cool." Cool had been his new word, and he'd been trying it out all week. I wasn't sure if it suited him or not, but it sure felt good against my neck.

I couldn't help but remember the moment now, finally peeling myself from the four walls that felt so familiar yet looked so foreign with Mam's redecorating. I wonder where the Spice Girls posters went to, along with the shirtless Leo Dicaprio one and the one of that fella from that one boyband I can't remember the name of. I bet mum threw them in the bin.

The hallway was empty, as was the whole downstairs. Mam was out with Chloe and Ollie. They were off to feed the ducks. Again. Mam seemed to have a rather unhealthy obsession with those poor ducks.

I turned on the kettle once in the kitchen - for when at a loss for what to do, what else is there to do? 

As I waited for it to boil I leaned on the kitchen worktop and stared out of the window - for again; when at a loss for what to do, what else is there to do? The kitchen window looked straight into a fence that ran along the side of the house. On it hung a few bird feeders, empty, but occupied with the greedy little gremlins that seemed to use up at least half of Mam's loaves. Which reminded me, she's out of bread and ought to get some. Seeing as Chloe ate all the bread though, it did seem rather unfair to ask Mam to replace it so that I could get toast in the morning. It didn't seem fair at all.

It's when at a loss for what to do - and armed with the wandering mind that comes with a cup of tea in one hand and a lack of a biscuit in the other - that one truly becomes a fool and decides that Siobhan's Shop needs paying a visit. And so, once my mug was washed and tidied away, I donned my coat and ventured into the big wide world that was the tiny village.

Siobhan's Shop was only around the corner and down the road, a two-minute walk, but as soon as the front door clicked closed behind me and the fresh air hit my lungs, I felt the weight of reality hitting me. I'd no makeup on, unwashed hair scraped back into a messy bun, and I was wearing old leggings that had definitely seen better days. If my mother came home right now she'd whip me back into the house like a wasp out through a window. The shame.

I was out now though, and when it was mid-day and mid-week, who would even see me? Nervous fingers played with the clasp on my purse the whole way down the road, and they didn't stop until I was safely inside the shop with my purse joined by the rustle of a packet of custard creams and a white loaf. There's no need for a basket when you're only getting two things.

"Amanda?" I stopped dead, eyes hovering over the sugar content in baked beans. I knew that voice, even if it was deeper than my mind remembered, more mature. My mouth seemed to dry up and clamp shut without me even bothering to turn. "Hey, it's you, right?"

"Uh," I made a noise, willing my feet to do something, my mouth to say more than vague sounds. It wasn't happening though.

"I don't believe it, it's Amanda!" Now I did turn, so fast that I tripped over my own feet and crashed against the shelf of beans I'd just been looking at. There was a hand on my arm, large, warm, comforting. Seannie was helping me to find my balance, over his shoulder Dervla Walker was wearing a smile that was just asking for a can of baked beans to kiss her with.

"Sorry, I was in a world of my own there." I shook my non-existent curls, something Dervla had plenty of. They bounced around her shoulders as though she had just walked out of the hairdressers through a door in the back of the shop, preventing the wind from harming a single strand. I couldn't take my eyes off her, and neither of them seemed to be able to take their eyes off me. I knew I shouldn't have come out looking like this.