Scourged

Chapter 2 | H U R T

H U R T

"TITA, 'wag na po kayong mag-alala. Okay lang po ako."

Narinig ko siyang bumuntong hininga. Pang-ilang beses na iyon sa pag-uusap namin, at alam kong nagiging frustrated na siya sa paulit-ulit na sinasabi ko nitong mga nakaraang minuto. But it's all I had to say to quiet their concern.

"Sigurado ka bang ayaw mong kausapin at sabihin sa nanay mo? Nag-aalala na sa'yo si ate, Alysson. Ilang buwan na noong huli kang bumisita. Kahit graduation ni bunso, hindi ka dumating."

I remembered that day—or more specifically, I remembered why I wasn't able to come.

I shook my head as if to dispel that awful memory out of my head, thinking about my mother instead, and sighed. I know she's worrying about me, they always did ever since I was a kid. And that's more reason not to tell her where I am and what I'm doing, because they will try to find me—no doubt—and do things that I refuse to accept from them. Dadagdag lang ako sa stress nila ni tatay, at hindi na sila bumabata para mag-alala pa.

"Ano'ng sasabihin ko sa kanya kapag nagtanong siya?" tanong niya nang hindi ako nagsalita.

"Sabihin mong busy ako sa pag-aaral ko at maayos na maayos ang lagay ko. Pangako, tatawag din ako."

"Na-mimiss ka na ng mga kapatid mo."

Pumikit ako dahil sa pag-init ng sulok ng mga mata ko. I also miss them a lot, all of them. Kung alam lang nila...

"Uuwi agad ako pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng trabaho ko," I promised instead, hating the turbulence in my voice. I can't deal with tears right now. Hindi niyon mapapanatag ang kalooban ni tita. AT katulad ng sinabi ko, oras na matapos ang isang buwang pinangako ni Erika ay uuwi agad ako.

Pagkatapos ng ilan pang minutong pag-uusap ay nagpaalam na ako at ibinaba ang telepono. I wish I could come home soon. I wish I was home and that I never left. I miss my sisters, lalo na ang bunso namin. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay magli-limang taon na siya. She was just so little when I moved out. Miss na miss ko na rin pati na si nanay at tatay. But I don't want to be a burden anymore. I'm a grown up now. Mas kailangan ng mga kapatid ko ang suporta nina tatay at nanay nang higit sa akin. I can provide for myself and I want to help them, financially. Kahit pakonti-konti.

I know they were very upset when I told them I'm moving out, especially my father. I know I really hurt his feelings because he did not talk to me for three days when he usually can't last a day. At alam kong hanggang ngayon ay masama ang loob niya sa naging desisyon ko. Kahit sinong magulang siguro ay hindi papayag.

But I tried to talk to him and made him understand... at kahit papaano'y hindi na niya ako pinigilan kahit labag sa loob niya.

Napabuntong hininga ako at inayos ang tupi sa kumot ng kama. I've been in this room for a whole day yesterday doing nothing. Ang sabi ni Erika ay may photoshoot schedule ang banda bukas. For being cooped up for 24 hours, I was actually looking forward to have something to do besides writhing in bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. 

Tiningnan ko ang mga damit na patong-patong sa single couch ng kuwarto ko. They were the dress that Erika told me to pick up the other night...

I quickly shut my eyes as the unwanted memories swam inside my head. Sleep had been non-existent for me that night. Sa tuwing ipipikit ko ang mga mata ko noong gabing iyon, bumabalik sa isip ko ang mga narinig ko. And I couldn't close my eyes without seeing them in my head. So I just curled up into a small ball and laid there in the center of that king-sized bed, leaving the lights off, feeling sorry for myself. Grieving for the things that had slipped from my fingertips. Needing the dark to lick my wounds.