Today was hard. No matter how much he tried, Jimin couldn't quiet his self-deprecating thoughts. Having eyes on him all the time never helped, but you were usually there to either distract him or make sure you sang praises louder than his own mind could scream insults. He needed you, but the group was away for filming. The cold gaze of a camera lens followed him all day, leaking right through his skin. Thankfully, goofing around with the rest of the group kept his mind light for a majority of it. As usual, that fizzled out when night came and now he was left alone with his thoughts.
Maybe alone wasn't the right word; he could feel the presence of his roommate burning in the air next to him. It taunted Jimin, rubbing in how alone he could feel in the same room as someone he loved. It let him fill in the worst case scenarios of what Hoseok could say to him. Maybe somewhere deep down there, he really didn't care and thought Jimin was just as much of a fuckup as he felt. Jimin knew in the less emotional part of his brain that he was projecting, but his chest still ached with the 'what if'.
He needed you.
So he decided to cling to his phone and chase memories of you. He was absolutely sure it would be too much to bother you at night ("Jimin, why did you wake me up"). Yeah, definitely too much ("...why would I want to hear from you right now..."). A shaky breath left Jimin when he heard that echoing through his skull. No, no! She said I could never be annoying, that I could always call...
With more determination, Jimin began looking through the album of selfies he had saved of you two. Most of them had the both of you smooshed together and smiling brightly or making cute faces at each other. Those made his chest ache with the thought that it was only his eyes filled with love. At least it was a kinder sensation than the previous weight dragging between his ribs. Looking at the photos pushed all the growing sobs from him until he was breathing gently. He even managed a small smile. Jimin almost couldn't help it when he saw your sweet face; he adored you. Your kind eyes, your free laugh, your gentle cheeks, your soft hair - all features that openly showcased how warm your heart is. No-
That had his eyes stinging again. He wanted to deserve all that. He wanted to be worth all of that warmth and for it could be his so he could just wrap himself up in your presence and soak in it. With blurry eyes, he selected a random picture. A watery laugh rippled through the silence in the room. It was a snap you sent of you with a particularly distorted face and the caption "hey sexy whats good 👅". The memory of your panic when he screenshotted it coaxed a few giggles out of him. He needed more of that levity - he needed you.
What was the next best thing to hearing your voice? Reading your texts. Fleeing to his messenger app, Jimin allowed himself to hear your texts in your own voice. He swept himself up in the task of guessing your inflection and imagining your expression. There was some goofing around (the really good stuff was on snapchat), some bland scheduling, and some flirting (oh how he wished that wasn't something you flung around with friends but something you saved for only him), but the majority of your texts were of you reassuring and praising him. He hadn't even really needed to open up to you in the first place about his insecurities; you were so openhanded with praise and it seemed like you could always just sense when he was being hard on himself. With a reverence that he'd give to no other, he read through your affectionate words and desperately willed himself to believe that there was a different type of love there.
God damnit, he needed you.
Before he could even really think about it, his thumbs flew over his screen and sent you a greeting. He tensed up once it registered what he had done and his panicked eyes shot to the time. 2:47. Who the fuck would be up at 2:47?
You apparently.
A couple of seconds later, three dots appeared on his screen to fill him with a tingly mixture of fear and excitement. Did he wake you up? Would you be mad at him messaging you so late? Shit, what should he say? He'd feel like a whiny brat just coming straight out and complaining about something he's convincing himself is so trivial - so not worth your time. But then what should he talk about? This was a mistake...
He new he was wrong about that the moment your messages came.
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No way. Usually you'd let him bullshit a little more before you insisted he open up, but to just tell him to call you immediately hadn't happened before. Tentatively, Jimin crept out of his bed, praying he wouldn't disturb Hoseok. Someone must have heard him because he made it out the door and into the abandoned living room without making a sound. Not even bothering with the lights, Jimin curled up against the armrest of the couch and called you.
You picked up after the first ring.
"Hey, Jiminie, what's wrong?" You asked as tenderly as you could. He allowed himself a moment to breathe in your word. It may have been a mistake because a ghost of a sob left him on the exhale.
"Nothing new, honestly. I don't know why I can't just deal with it by now." You could feel the self loathing coming from his words as if it were your own.
"Hon, you know that's not how this stuff works. Some days are harder than others and that's okay." He closed his eyes and let the endearment wash over him as you continued, "And besides, dealing with it is exactly what you're doing! There's nothing wrong with not doing it on your own. No one can take care of everything on like that."
Both of you know that you've told him something like this before and before that and before that, yet neither of you care. It helps. It helps you feel like you're doing anything to lessen the load for him and it helps Jimin latch onto thoughts that are more rational than his own. He needed that reassurance and he's sure he'd be running to you for it again in not too long. Luckily for him, you'd never tire of him.
"I know. It just doesn't feel right."
"That's okay, Hon-" Please never stop calling me that "-and that's why you have me and the boys here to help you feel better. I'll listen, I'll talk you down, I'll hold you, I'll be here. I'm sorry I can't be there with you, but I'll see you again in just a couple short days! You'll always have me"
Your promise had him finally crack open and begin sobbing. Jimin was glad for it; he needed to get it out of his system and it would tire him out enough for his thoughts to still and leave him to rest. Besides that it kept the stream of '-love you, I love you, I love you, I love-' from coming out. The pretty words and gentle cooing from you kept him grounded until he fully calmed down. Through the last tremors of his lungs and the ringing in his ears, Jimin heard you promise, "No matter what, I'll always be here. You'll always have me."
The shaky smile that spread over Jimin's tear-stained face was as fragile as it was breathtaking. Was now it? Everything felt so raw and intimate in the wake of his tears and your words. Surely if there was a time to tell you then it was now.
"I-" he began. The crackling of his own voice had him stop. You should have someone whispering their confession lovingly into your ear, screaming it from the mountain tops, gasping it out through the type of laughter that shook your whole body. You deserved better than someone croaking out an "I love you" after ugly crying. He felt heavy again.
"Thank you" was what he eventually got out. Your response and goodnight wishes were murky in his ears and Jimin thought he gave at least a convincing enough reply. The phone was still on his ear long after you hung up. Sleep took him curled up on that couch after he told himself that it had to be enough. It had to be enough to have you like this, even if it wasn't the way he wanted. It had to be, because more than anything he needed you.
