Another Michael

Chapter 1

My apartment is right on the banks of the river. I see it running past me, lazy and slow in the summer heat, carrying its own weight for centuries. It's hot, so hot that I can feel the night air sticking to my skin, humid and thick, heightening my depression. All the windows are open to let in as much cold air as possible; I sigh and wait for the night to get deeper and darker. I've only moved here recently and the air conditioning has not been installed yet, but otherwise it's the perfect apartment, the dream I've been dreaming for so long. It's in a historic building made in the nineteen hundreds and it totally lives up to expectations. Hard wood floors all over, huge rooms and very high ceilings with heavy chandeliers. The furniture matches the spirit of the building and my own: it's fit for a queen and I'm hoping to step into that energy as soon as this depression subsides. It's been a few very lonely months since my sudden divorce and the pain is still with me, day by day, hour by hour, relentless. A deep dark void of nothing, a black hole of despair. I sit in the window looking out at the night sky and the luxurious vegetation on the river, trying to take in the beauty of this earth, knowing it's there. My eyes see it but my heart is heavy with past events and I'm struggling to open it up and let it past the wall of pain that I've build around me since it happened. I'm so alone. So alone... The city lights are so close, yet seem so far. Only the river feels my pain, I feel like going down there and let its healing waters hold me in their eternal embrace.

I suddenly notice my gloomy thoughts and where they're going. 'OK, this can't be good, snap out of it! It's just not worth it!' As I'm trying to get out of my own pit of despair, I realize I need to do something active about it or I'm going to go crazy. I'll just go down by the river and sit on one of those benches. The river is right across the street so I can easily do that. But it's past midnight and although this is a safe neighborhood, you just never know. So I sit there in the window, not moving a muscle, numb. I feel a tear slowly running down my right cheek, as a new burst of memories floods my mind. I snap into cognition 'No, not tonight! Let's change scenery. I'll go down there.' I slide into my flip flops, take my phone in one hand, just in case, keys in another and start going down the stairs. No bag, no nothing, just myself and the night.

The sidewalk on the edge of the river has a series of wooden benches overlooking the water, underneath secular trees, street lights peppered on both sides of the lane. It looks safe, calm, relaxing. And romantic. Just as I think that word, I feel the tears pushing against my eyelids again, ready to come out and tell the world how much it hurts. I open my eyes widely and breathe deeply to send them back to the hell they came from. 'Not tonight, Satan!' I sit on the bench closer to the entrance to my building and let out a deep sigh.

There is nobody in the street except for the occasional car passing by on the road behind me. I just watch the flow of the water, the city lights flickering on its surface. The river is welcoming, understanding, accommodating. It instantly makes me feel better and the soothing energy of the water is so right for these moments that I wonder why I haven't done this sooner.

'Hi, may I sit next to you?'

That's why!!! Just as I freeze and clutch the phone in my hand, I notice there is a man next to me, beckoning towards the bench. Awful images with women brutally murdered show up on the screen of my mind and I feel my stomach squeeze into a small ball and almost shoot up towards my throat. I manage to utter:

'Oh, I was just about to leave.'

'It's ok, I won't disturb you. Listen, I don't even want to talk or anything, I just want to be in the presence of another human being. I'm not a creep or anything. I'll be quiet.'

'It's ok, you can sit, of course, but I really was about to leave.'

Except that my body was frozen on the bench, stiff with fear, unable to make a gesture. To run. Or fight. Or call the police. So I stay.

He sits on the other side of the bench, as far away from me as possible, not even looking my way, staring intently at the water. I turn on my phone all the while screaming at my legs to MOOOVE!!! and I dial 911, not pressing the button just yet. I look at him, analyzing every little detail of his appearance. He didn't seem dangerous, but he was definitely different. What was he doing dressed in long sleeves in this heat? Black blouse that almost went over the length of his fingers, black pants, long dirty blond hair and... a hat? What on earth? If it weren't for his very soothing voice, I would have either run the very next moment or punch him over the head, but I was in too much shock because he appeared out of nowhere right in the very midst of my pain. As I expect him to draw out a chloroform filled rag and put it over my face, then carry me to his van and bring me somewhere into the woods to have his way and then murder me, I keep a trembling finger close to my phone and manage to finally drag my uncooperating body from the bench in what seemed like an eternity but it was probably not longer than a couple of minutes. I manage to let out a very unconvincing 'Have a nice night.' He turns toward me as if awakened from a different reality and gives me half a smile. The saddest smile I've ever seen in my life. It almost stopped me in my tracks, but fear was stronger and I head towards the entrance, almost running those few steps. I open the heavy wooden door by pushing all the weight of my body against it and start running up the stairs, two at a time, out of breath, sweating profusely. I finally reach the second floor where I live, constantly looking behind me.

I made it! I made it! I finally made it!!! Oh my god, I can't believe I made it!!! I forgot the lights on; they are soothing, welcoming and feel oh so safe. But wait! All my windows are overlooking the river and the very bench where we that creep is and what if he can see in?! Although for a second the logic thought that it's impossible because that bench is just too close to be able to see so high up passed by among the other crazy thoughts, I completely disregard it and run to close the windows. Just as I reach the first one I notice the bench is empty and feel a bit more relieved, but immediately after I see him crossing the street! What if he's trying to come in?! Oh, wait, he's not, he was headed towards a big black car and just as he reaches it he looks up! He looks right at me and waves one single wave, then gets into his car! Time stands still and the room is empty of air. I feel the window slide right out of my hand and my body go limp. The window, the curtains, the ceiling are rushing past my eyes and I fall flat on my ass, with the mighty weight of 13 feet worth of velvet curtains on top of me.

I lay there for a while, on my back, unable to get up. My tail bone is killing me, but the fall managed to snap me back into cognition and as I stare in disbelief at the naked window, engulfed in the curtains that I managed to pull down in a desperate attempt to grab onto something, I start laughing. The humor of the situation was strong enough to burst through the impenetrable walls of months of pain. Thank you, creepy stranger! And when did I become such a scaredy-cat? As laughter fills up the room I think about my life and what has become of it. An endless string of empty days filled with pain and self-pity. Well, no more! I feel this new rush of energy wash past me and I jump right up, just as the sharpest pain stabs me right in my ass and puts me back down, covered by wild roars of laughter and swear words.