Fraction by Fraction

Starved Batteries

(hey! didn't really think i was gonna switch pov but it makes sense to my head. here is the continuation. if you are easily triggered by mention of illness and ed related things, please go find something more lovely to read. this  character is but a work of fiction but she stems from a selfish and sad place inside my heart. stay safe.)

~Angel

I Wish sleep worked like batteries. 

Like, whenever you got too tired to properly function, eyes heavy, and brain fogged as though you're a virgin to alcohol with a little too much vodka in your cranberry soda. If one could replace and restore your energy levels like batteries, you could get so much done during the span of time when you're usually asleep. Imagine all the accumulated hours going into work like hobbies or honing a skill, and how much you could accomplish. 

 But knowing me, I'd still manage to use up most if not all of that time doing nothing.

Instead, of two hours spent stressing over what meals to plan out and avoid, it could easily be bumped up to four. the remaining five or six "Rest" hours would go toward calculating dates and making up diets I wouldn't stick to because I'll fuck it up no matter how much time I put into trying to organise the hell that is my brain.

 It's difficult for me to imagine a world where I'm something beneficial to the individuals around me, let alone ones I don't even know, when I commonly seek to destroy myself on a daily to even hourly basis. I know I give my brother a hell of a trip he could probably go his life without. I wouldn't put up with someone I could expect to find hanging from the curtains or passed out in any room in the house. i don't think i'm suicidal in the way of instantaneous things like cutting or a gun to the head, but if I am to kill myself I'd rather watch it happen, slow and torturous.

Either way I hurt him who loves me, but I'm selfish and I'd rather see myself die slow by my own careful doing, than quick and easy. i want it to hurt for more than a few minutes before my world fades. i want my death to be more painful than the panicked heart rate of sending a bullet through my skull. i want to see myself decay and become dead- living dead and then finally just dead, when my body gives in and i succumb to starvation or that of a busted gut, sprawled across the toilet because I purged too much too fast.

As sick as it is, I want to die like that.

I feel I deserve it.

Despite the craving for death, i'm still excited for school. I started my second semester of college just a week ago. while i'm tired, it's a distraction from my usual food worries while also being a key in helping me in it. Walking all around 4 times a week has to be burning more calories than i can drink to ruin anything. It makes me feel good to be learning something, and it's a time i'm not really supervised because my brother is at home or at work. He takes online classes, but i was persistent in wanting to attend college in the physical. it makes me feel more in control of myself.

The thing is, I knew i'd make aquaintences alongside short-term friends to last until we transferred or graduated, but i never imagined I would meet the people to change the course of my life, flip my universe sideways and upside down, all in the matter of time in which i had planned for everything but.