I Can't Wait for you Anymore

Ya'aburnee

It'd been hard for Clarke to find a routine in the days following the fight. She kept thinking about how devastated Bellamy had looked after she said no. She constantly replayed his words in her head. How he had loved her. How he wanted her to stay. How he just wanted her. The girl Clarke had been before would've been enraged that Clarke had walked away. Even now she found herself sick with self loathing at turning away the one person she had spent the last six fucking years of her life waiting for. She kept asking how could she walk away from the man she still loved. But at the same time she knew that they wouldn't work out.

They brought out the worst in each other.

She made Bellamy, a man already in the sway of his emotions, even more volatile. He had worked hard to not let his emotions rule him and had succeeded, him being alive right now proved that. But barely five months with her in his life again and he was reduced to screaming at her at parties and lashing out at her when he felt hurt. That wasn't the man she wanted him to be. It was the one she loved, the one craved. But not the one she wanted him to be. Bellamy deserved to be with someone who kept him grounded, someone who kept him sane, someone like Echo who could put her emotions aside. And for all that Clarke had done, she had never been able to put her emotions aside. Not when it came to the people she loved.

And Clarke did love Bellamy. He made her feel alive and not in that adrenaline junky way. He made her feel like she was living. Jasper had said that they weren't living, they were just surviving but he was wrong. On the Ark Clarke was just surviving, but from the moment she set foot on the ground and met Bellamy - even if it had been painful and horrible at times - she had lived. She'd always love Bellamy for that. But her slaughtering Mount Weather to save him and her people, her willingness to steal the bunker so that he could survive, hell even her giving up the bunker because she'd have to kill him to keep it was proof that Bellamy brought out a horrible, evil side of her. A side that didn't care who died if it meant he could live. A side willing to die if he would have a chance at surviving and being happy.

She was still willing to die for him after all this time. Back when she was fighting Josephine, Clarke had refused to give up until the very moment Josephine told her that Bellamy had wanted a deal that rested on her being dead. It was embarrassing how fast she surrendered after that. And that was fine when no one else needed her. Madi had Gaia and was Heda now, so she would have been fine without Clarke. And her mom was strong, she never needed Clarke to be happy. Hell, Spacekru would probably thrive if she was gone. But her babies, they were a different story. They needed her. No one else would be willing to raise the biological children of Wanheda and honestly, Clarke wouldn't trust any person who was. So, she needed to be around to take care and love them and put them first. And she wouldn't be able to do that if she went back to being Clarke and Bellamy.

So, she knew she needed to let him go.

That's what she was trying to do now. Her and Dean were busy fixing up the spare room to be a nursery. Clarke was moving in the furniture and Dean was painting the walls a bright, happy lime green. She was so jealous of Dean in that moment. Every time she looked at the walls she imagined painting vivid scene from Earth. She would paint the forests of Trikru and the oceans of Floukru and the glowing forests of Trishanakru. She'd let her kids sleep surrounded by the most beautiful, happy memories she had. But she couldn't. Her painting and drawing days were behind her.

"I'm so excited," Dean told her over his shoulder.

Clarke smiled back at him. "Really? You haven't mentioned."

They were finding out the sex of the babies today. It was actually quite touching how involved Dean was already with the kids. He made sure Clarke was getting all the vitamins she needed and had even began to gather little baby toys that he thought they'd enjoy. She refrained from telling him that it'd be months before they could even use any of it, but she quietly thought so every time he come home with a baby book or building blocks.