The Magician's Apprentice

Bonus Chapter: Sheriff Deadpool vs. Cable

"--and they wouldn't let me debut! Can you believe that?"

"Oh, um, sorry?"

I looked in bewilderment at the man who had been ranting to me for the past ten minutes. I was trying to contact Mr. Talking Raccoon and his little tree baby, but somehow I got stuck with...this guy.

"Yeah!" He pouted. Well, I think he pouted; he was wearing a dark scarlet mask. "Something about me being 'too inappropriate!'"

"Unbelievable," I said, nodding sympathetically. Who the hell was this guy?

"Apparently my language is too bad!" The man complained. "Isn't that bullshit? What a dumbass descision! Man, I'm so pissed!"

I stared at him, unable to tell if he was joking or not.

"Um, I'm sorry," I said awkwardly, "but...who are you again?"

The man sighed in a mixture of disappointment and exasperation. "Deadpool," he finally said.

I blinked. "Dead...pool?"

He nodded. "No one seems to appreciate that I represent the Old Man's saucy side."

I frowned. "Who?"

"Stan Lee," Deadpool explained.

"Oh," I said, more confused than ever. "Well, okay."

Deadpool sighed again. He reached under his coffee table and pulled out...what was that, a cardboard city?

"Check this out," Deadpool said. He reached under the table again and pulled out an action figure of himself (go figure) dressed up as Woody from Toy Story. He pulled out another action figure, a tough and angry-looking man with a glowing eye and metal arm.

"I'm Cable," he grunted, using a stereotypical tough-guy voice "and I'm from the future, and I like blowin' shit up!"

Deadpool then made the Cable action figure fly into some of the paper buildings while making high-pitched "Pew! Pew! Pew!" sounds.

Deadpool then plopped the figure of himself on the cardboard road in front of Cable and exclaimed, "Reach for the sky!"

Cable gasped. "Oh no!" He said, his voice deep and gravelly. "Sheriff Deadpool!"

I watched in disbelief as a grown man proceeded to play with action figures like a child. Did he make the mini city, as well?

"You know," Sheriff Deadpool said, "you're a lot taller than--"

"Shut up, you little asshole!" Cable snarled. "Take THIS!" He was thrown right at Sheriff Deadpool, who was sent flying into a paper building.

As bizarre and ridiculous as this was, I couldn't bring myself to leave; this was too interesting.

"Regeneration powers: Activate!" Sheriff Deadpool grunted, plopping to his feet.

"That's not something you say!" Cable grunted.

"Zip it, Cable!" Sheriff Deadpool snapped. "I've got the stones to help you!"

With that, he was thrusted forward, Cable's head slamming into Sheriff Deadpool's crotch.

"Uuurrghh, noooo!" Cable growled as the real Deadpool made the two action figures aggressively grind against each other. "Uh-uh, no biting!" Sheriff Deadpool scolded.

There was a sudden and cheerful ding! like an oven timer, and Deadpool perked up and asked, "Oh, they're done already?" He carelessly dropped the action figures on the mini city and reclined in his couch. "Well that was unrealistically fast..."

I blinked. "Um...wha...what?"

"What what?" Deadpool asked, as calmly as if he had checked his email.

I couldn't help but smile. "Nothing. You just made me realize that you're my favorite person right now."

"Aww!" Deadpool tittered. "That's so sweet!" He then paused and regarded me, for the first time, in mild surprise and confusion. "Who the hell are you, anyway?"

"No one important," I said dismissively. "I'm just...passing through."

Deadpool nodded thoughtfully. "You some kind of weird-ass ghost or something?"

"Erm, not really," I said. "I'm a..." My voice trailed off as I tried to think of what to call myself. A witch? A...Magician's apprentice? "You know what," I said, "it doesn't matter. I'm about to leave, anyway."

"Nah, you're fine," Deadpool said with a shrug. "How'd you get those scars, anyway?"

I stiffened. "Really?" I asked through gritted teeth. "Really?"

"Oh, sorry!" Deadpool exclaimed. "I swear it's nothing personal. Here, let me show you something."

To my surprise, he pulled away his mask, revealing his face. His face was pale and sickly-colored, and cancer-like scars were spread across his entire bald head.

"You're not the only one with a face like that," he said with surprising sincerity.

I didn't know what to say. I could only look in stunned silence. Finally, I shyly muttered, "Thanks."

"Any time, darlin'," Deadpool said jovially.

Warmed by this accidental encounter, I gave a small smile and wave and left.

What a nice guy, I thought as I returned to my physical body. A little weird, though...