I had a whole list of songs and other forms of media here that remind me of Madiha but I deleted them all because there's way too many I'll be missing out but what I know for sure is I'll always remember the last day I saw you and we listened to Written in The Stars together and it's still one of my favourite ever songs, maybe because it reminds me of you, maybe because it's a damn good song or maybe a mixture of both of those reasons. Anyway, it deserves it's place on the wall (or in this case it's place on the page) if the criteria for making it onto the wall was making me think of you and/or the memories I have of you.
I recently fell in love with Madeon's new(ish) album Good Faith which I've listened to so much the past months, and in 2 of the songs Hugo (Madeon, the artist/singer/songwriter/DJ) seems to talk about his experiences with someone he loves and/or has loved and they really relate to me and how I feel about you, Madiha, so these two songs are definitely worth writing about.
Heavy With Hoping, Madeon, 2019
If I belonged
If I had a home anywhere
It's in your heartbeat
Let me be there
Heavy with hoping
That you know it
That you feel the way I do
Show me you're broken
'Cause I'm frozen
'Cause I'm still in love with you
Shut me up
Shoot me down before I
Break and tell the truth
If I let you go
We end in tragedy
How would you know
How to get back to me?
If I had a clue
If I had a chance to be loved
This is my last one
I'm nothing without you now
Even though I broke your heart
And you're all those miles away
Won't you tell me you forgive me?
Won't you bring me home to stay?
Maybe now we could be ready
Maybe this is just a test of faith
So heavy
Hold Me Just Because, Madeon, 2019
Hold me just because
We're alone together
I've been wasting away on my own
I've been waiting for this to get old
I've been trying my best to get over you
Hold me just because
We're in this together
'Til there's nothing left of me at all
Just a memory you can recall
I was only a child when I fell for you
Hold me one last time so I can let you go
Something on my mind I need to let you know
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If you've read the rest of the book (which at this point, if you're here, I guess it's safe to assume you would have) you'd know why the lyrics and general themes in "Heavy With Hoping" and "Hold Me Just Because" make me feel how they make me feel, a Madiha fever of some sorts, I guess I'll call it that, so I won't bother explaining that.
I first loved Heavy With Hoping a lot more than HMJB, I listed to it a lot more and instantly made the connection to Madiha. Hugo communicates his feelings of having loved and lost, and trying to bridge the gap to try and get back to the "love" part, which is a struggle that I have faced for the past few years, and something I could be facing for who knows how many years to come. "If I belonged, if I had a home anywhere, it's in your heartbeat" is an amazing set of words that deeply connect with my feelings and it's just totally truthful, in the most brutal but also clear way. When he says "Maybe this is just a test of faith" it makes me think maybe losing Madiha is just a test of faith and a test of my love for her, to see how far I can take this and if I can I'll hold onto the memories of her until the day we meet again, if that day exists.
Hold Me Just Because took a few more listens than HWH for me to really get into it and enjoy the song but once I read the lyrics I became totally attached and in love with how it sounds, but also the lyrics. The chorus "Til there's nothing left of me at all, just a memory you can recall, I was only a child when I fell for you" plays a few times during the song and at times when I listen to it becomes soul crushing, the idea that we can love people for so long, since childhood and they could just all of a sudden not be there (in one way or the other) gives me a hurtful moment sometimes, not only because I've experienced it myself but also learning that Hugo has also gone through a similar experience himself is a thought that bewilders me, and even though knowing I'm not the only one helps to a certain degree, it's not a feeling I'd wish upon anyone else. Other times, hearing "a memory you can recall" is very positive and uplifting, almost inspirational, the lyric reminding me that she definitely does have memories of me maybe once in a while helps and gives me a feeling that maybe one day we can make our worlds come together again, I don't know. I've accepted it may never happen but on the other hand, life can be long, and there could be years and years left for us to make something happen, so I'll also always be hopeful.
I do find it especially touching that the song, HMJB ends with with a voice note of a female speaking in an almost held-back manner, maybe somewhat of a post-cry. She says "Tu m'as encouragé à- bah à créer un truc quoi et-" which is French for "You encouraged me to create something", which wholly relates to me because Madiha inspired me to create this. It just further reminds me of my dedication to both my love for her and for this sort of passion project of a book kind of thing I've made, and it'll prove testament to the fact I'll always love her in some way, even though she isn't in my life. It's cocky but hey, it shows I'm self aware I guess.
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Also there are a few other memories I cherish of Madiha that I haven't written about yet, but want to. One is a memory of the Easter play that for some reason the school decided to combine with the Diwali play, and I think I remember I was the sound or lighting guy so I just sat in the booth and while it's a distant memory and not much to write about, I just wanted to get it down so I didn't leave it out. She looked amazing the whole time, and I just know my eyes were on her the whole time.
The second memory is a big one. There was some sort of Alice in Wonderland tea party at school and I remember we sat on a table together, just us two, eating crisps and I think we had juice or something as the movie played in the background. I like to think of it as our first date but kind of not a date at the same time.
One of my favourite small memories was when everyone had just come back from the summer holidays, for the start of a new school year (probably year 4 or 5 if my memory serves correct) and the teacher just told us to sit anywhere while we waited for everyone else to come into class. She came in and walked straight over to me and asked if the chair next to mine was your place. I think said no and said to ask the teacher. The teacher then picked some of the students to pick the people they want to sit on a table with, and I was chosen to be one of the students that got to pick. Out of everyone, I wanted you to sit with me, but one of the other girls in the class already picked you first.
Another memory I keep is one time where everyone on my table had to stay in for a while at break because of something that happened, and after the teacher talked to us and let us go I remember opening the door to go outside and there you were the first face I saw, waiting for me to ask me what happened. I hope you'd still have the same care for me if we were in each other's lives now, because I certainly do.
A memory that I remember a lot happened on a nice, warm summer day. I had this prank electric shock toy that everyone kept asking to try out, and at break or lunchtime you came upto me to try it, and I remember you pulling your sleeve over your fingers to pull it, and it still shocked you and we laughed. I never pulled it myself, I was too scared, but you were hesitant but brave. Maybe now I'm braver than you, but I wouldn't mind if you still more brave than me, it would probably hurt my ego if it was anyone else, but you're my exception for a lot of things. Afterwards when break ended we all lined up to go back inside and I remember talking about mosque, amongst other things.
The last memory I'll talk about for now takes place on a school trip to Wicksteed park, where we sat in a ride together and honestly it wasn't as scary as it looked, even to the 10 or 11-year old versions of me and you, and you told me afterwards that it was nothing, and that we would go on the bigger pirate ship ride later. But when the time came, I said no because I was too scared, and you went on to line up without me. I went to Wicksteed park last summer with my cousins and discovered that they've removed the pirate ship ride. But I hope your offer still stands, because I would love to sit with you anywhere, any time, any day. Even if it's just for a second.
Maybe if I said yes it would all have been different. Maybe that's the better timeline.
