No Looking Back

In this deeply vulnerable collection of her own insides sprawled out on paper, Elexys captures the sanctity and truth of a powerful healing relationship with the Creator God in a refreshing, relatable, yet viscerally unique journey of the young mind. Her experiences brought me a peace regarding my own past. The courage of sharing the inner workings of her thoughts allows for the enticement of New Age philosophies and drug culture on a wounded mind to be questioned and exposed. Reaching the enlightenment she was pursuing, expressed in a raw and gentle artistic way, she has released a work that anyone can learn from. It is a relief to see a piece of artwork that not only is counter to popular culture, but has itself bridged the gap between two sides of a warring world, chronicling the adventure of a seeker who has found the narrow path.

-Lauren Zitti, a loving sister in the Spirit

I dedicate this book to Colin Clark. Meeting you has led me straight into the hands of the loving Father. Thank you for your endless support through this transformational journey. I wouldn't be where I am without you.

This is a raw collection of a majority of my journal entries from 2014 until present time- 2019. I tried to keep as many entries completely authentic as possible, which explains the lack of grammatical correctness. My intention with this book is to show a real-life account of the inner workings of my mind before and after being saved by Jesus Christ.

10/9/14
​When I got home today I went straight to my room and blasted some electronic music my brother showed to me in hopes of blocking out my thoughts. I kept thinking about how I won't find anyone that will love me, I mean really love me. Then I started to think about my friends and how they should be here for me, even though they have no clue I'm having a break down. Then I thought about my dad, and how one day he won't be able to breathe. Then about my mom, and how hard she tries to make me happy and how terrible I treat her. She doesn't deserve that... to have a daughter that is constantly depressed and moody. Then I started to feel insecure. I always do that when I'm thinking a lot, I start to pick apart every single thing I hate about myself and how I'm not worthy of feeling anything good or happy, and that I deserve this, I deserve to feel this way. Then I start to feel alone. I start to feel like nobody knows what I'm going through and my thoughts and there's no way anyone can know if I don't tell them. Then I think that only I can fix myself and then it hits me. The terrible and blissful thought, it could all end. I'll just sneak upstairs, grab the ibuprofen bottle and swallow them all, every single one. Then I imagine my mom finding me on the floor gasping for my last breath as she frantically screams at God for taking me too soon. Then I stop; and I really think about it. I imagine my family in complete agony and my heart breaks, and I start to cry. I cry because I can't believe that for only a moment that idea seemed okay. That for a single moment I had decided that was my way out. Then I feel disappointed and weak, and my whole body feels lifeless then my mind goes blank and I stare, at something, at nothing. Until I fall asleep, so maybe the pain will stop for a short while. The music never helps, by the way.

12/1/14
​It's almost the end of the year and I couldn't be happier to finally say this year is over with. I think what I need is a fresh start. I'm surrounded by so much love, and by so many people who care about me. I just have no reason to be sad, but I still am. I can come home from a friend's house after having a wonderful time then go in my room and cry my eyes out. It doesn't make sense. I can be so happy one moment but so sad the next. Like today for example was a wonderful day. But when I got home I got in a terrible mood. I felt helpless and weak. I felt like a complete failure. I have no idea why... nothing bad happened. Something just clicked in my brain and changed my mood completely. I hate it so much. I don't know if anyone feels this way as often as I do. I just think so much. I turn something small into something so big and I make a bigger mess of things. I need to stop caring what others think of me. I'm constantly buying new makeup, new clothes, dying my hair, just so I can feel good about myself. Yet, I still get brought to my knees. It's always one thing after another. Dear God, just give me time to breathe.