Lost from the world

You sure?

Thursday 12th December, 8:41 am

I walk into form. 'Head up, fake smile' I tell myself. I see India, Charlotte, Ebony and Aly just sitting around chilling. I decide to say "Hey" as I'm in a not so bad mood.

Charlotte smiles, Aly looks up and Ebony glances while India:

"AYYYY SAMMO! How are you?" India booms. She's always in a cheerful mood. She's loud, hilarious, weird, silly and has a peculiar sense of humour. Everyone seems to love her. It's like there's absolutely nothing wrong in her life when I'm like, the opposite. She's always trying to make people laugh and other than me, she always succeeds. Recently, I low-key find it kind of irritating since I'm in a what I'm going to call a 'depressive episode' (if the episode ever ends). It makes the smile less fake, though.

"I'm fine thanks." I reply bluntly. They go back to whatever they were doing and I sit in the row in front and begin to read my book.

Three minutes pass, and I've read only two pages because Conan and Hassan, the dickheads that they are, play deafening music from the back that makes it almost impossible to read anything. We, as in the girls, have tried telling them to shut the fuck up but they never listen. So that's another joyous thing to add to my completely wonderful morning. Anyway, India comes over to my desk and asks if I'm okay.

"Uhhh" Shit, do I tell her? Nah, no way. "Yeah I'm fine. Why?"

She looks at me as if she's studying my face, trying to understand me.

"Sammy, come outside a sec."

"Uhh okay." I nervously laugh. I follow her to the end of the corridor where there is a rectangular window and a ledge able enough to sit on. I smile, pretending I'm confused.

"Are you really okay? Like, just wondering."

"Yeah I'm fine. Don't worry."

"Sam, are you sure? It's just... you've seemed really down lately. You sure you're okay? You promise?"

I'm taken by surprise. I want to tell her the truth so bad but I know i can't. Something inside of me tells me it's forbidden. I know I need help and I know I need to tell someone, but my mind won't let me.

"I'm fine. I promise. For sure." I do my brightest eyes and spread my smile even wider. "Thanks though."

"Okay well... just know that you can talk to me and that I care about you. Let's go back to form - OMG we have PE today. Yayyy!!"

PE, 9:25 am

We were finally able to escape from the freezing English weather and back into the warmth: the changing rooms. We were meant to be changed by 9:19 because lesson starts at 9:15 and the rule is only four minutes to get changed, however, PE (physical education) teachers are ALWAYS late. And damn right it pisses us off, only in the winter though. In the summer, we can miss as much pe as we want, we don't mind!

Most girls despise and moan all through pe in winter because of the numb fingers, inability to move our toes, shivers all up and down our spine while the pe teacher is watching us struggle in pain, wrapped fully up in a giant puffy coat, gloves, a hat, and the permission to boss us around all the while, with a threat of giving out lunch detentions to anyone who misbehaves. Unfair, I know. I, am not included...(okay the moaning is true but that is simply a humane thing to do) but I don't despise the winter. Why? Because we get to cover up. The scars on my arms are not visible and therefore I have no need to stress. Also, I'm a quick changer, all because I am very self conscious of my body and am not the kind of girl who walks around the changing room in her bra.

"CATCH IT! CATCH ITTTTT!" India practically screams down my ear even though she's about eight metres away from me. We're playing rugby and doing a catching exercise in groups of three. I'm with India and a new girl, Yana. India and I paired up since Charlotte was at the orthodontist and then the teacher decided she had changed her mind and wanted us in threes. So Yana came with us. What I've learnt about Yana so far: very quiet, shy, doesn't talk much, is very good at catching a rugby ball and laughs at my queer jokes. Yes, I openly say queer jokes in front of people (most people, specifically girls).

Here's the thing: India is straight. 100% straight. Like, 100000% straight. She made it very clear to us before drama a few weeks ago when a couple of us just had a *minor* theory India could be a teeny weeny bit gay. I came out to her precisely November 12th while I was sitting in the school library, listening to Little Mix songs, who I am completely obsessed with. They're literally my Queens, with a capital Q. Anyway, I decided to tell her I'm bi. I was sick of covering up who I really was. I was sick of having to censor my mouth every time I thought of something that could potentially put someone off. So, I decided it was time to come out. I texted her. Out of all the people I came out to: around ten people, she was one of the two who actually said something supportive. At first she thought I was kidding and I was a little bit hurt that she'd think I'd do something like that but then came the messages that I'll remember forever. She told me things like how she'll always accept me, God loves me (we go to a catholic school), she'll always support me, with about a billion exclamation marks in total and then she sent loads of funny videos about her farting and how she was living off of KFC. Just India stuff. I couldn't have asked for a better friend right then. I was over the moon.

When pe had came to an end, everyone sprinted into the changing rooms to huddle around the dryer. We were as cold as ice. No one even looked back at Mrs Puck as she shouted at us to bring in the rest of the equipment.

When everyone had changed and the room was getting quieter and quieter, reality slapped me back in the face. Fun was over and I was back to being a loner. Thankfully we have less break since we always take forever changing and miss gives us nearly no time to change anyway so break was narrowed down to only about 13 minutes.

I'm standing outside the classroom door to computing, when someone announces we have a cover. Computing covers are basically where you sit around pretending you know what you're doing while really you're watching people mess around like idiots without the cover teacher noticing. It's a computing cover, what more could you expect?

One thing is for sure: I'm not ready and I don't want to. The class fills in on the overjoyed teacher's command, while I wait outside, depicting whether or not to go inside and put myself through a dead 50 minutes or to run away and bunk off school. Maybe go to Scotland or something.

It's been about a minute with me just cluelessly standing outside of the classroom alone, when Kyle comes out of the double doors, clearly unbothered that he is late. He notices me flat against the wall. He says "Yo best friend."

Kyle is kind, funny, talkative and not to mention EXTREMELY cute. And fit. And hot. But that's besides the point. I practically hate all the boys in my form because they're idiotic or annoying or probably both. Kyle and Will are the only ones I like. And that's saying something. Kyle has light brown skin, curly chestnut hair on top and shaved at the sides. He's got adorable chubby cheeks, soft skin and most importantly a pretty personality. He calls me and Aly his 'best friends' as it's an inside joke. Will is small, wears rectangular glasses and has the weirdest but best laugh ever. We get on.

Kyle goes for the door but then takes a step back. "Are you alright?" He asks. He's being genuine.

I look at him, the expression on my face clearly upset. I shrug. "Yeah."

"Oh... uh k. You sure?"

"Yeah. Let's go to class. It's a cover by the way."

"Aw for real? No way. That sucks."

I like him even more.
No, I don't have a crush on him. It's just if he asked me out on a date I'd say yes. 100%.

I guess I haven't been hiding my emotions as much as I thought I was. Hiding how you're really feeling almost all day everyday is tiring.

I sit sleepily at my computer, staring at the black screen unwilling to actually turn it on. I could quite literally fall asleep. Let's be real, would anyone even notice?

The rest of the gloomy day goes by like a blur and before I know it I'm sitting in the lounge, home alone, scissors less than 20cm from me. I brought them downstairs.

Rolling the sleeves of my oversized jumper, I acknowledge the scars on my arms from two days before.

The urge to cut myself returns.

This time, I go to my legs too. It's nothing really deep, just scratches you'd get if a cat attacked you. It feels good and I get the same feeling of accomplishment. Comfort is sent through my body like electricity and relief fills my head. Suddenly, I feel tired. I slowly walk upstairs, dragging foot by foot and hide all evidence. I do my routine: shower thoroughly, check Instagram, put clothes on, get water, get into bed.

Let the night stresses commence.