The girl I lost in the darkness

I'm Sorry

° ° °

Darkness.

Another nightmare. Ever since the day I left you, these nightmares of mine wouldn't go away. They always remind me of the sadness that has been brought upon my soul when I vanished away from your sight.

Every night, I suffer from shortness of breath and teary eyes. I hold on tightly unto my blanket, kick airs under my feet as my heart's beat races for every moment I sulk myself in to oblivion. I wake up gasping with shortness of breath trying to catch it. Good sleep hasn't visited me for quite a while.

My head aches and my lips dry. I get up from my bed half awake and go to the bathroom to wake myself up. Besides sleeping on your lap, a cold shower in the morning takes my mind off of the things of this world.

Briskly painful water showers down upon my bald head. I shaved it myself when I got here after leaving you. I knew you didn't want it that way because you wouldn't have something to hold unto . . . but what purpose does it serve when you're not by my side when I sleep?

Of all the people in this world, I was chosen to live a rich life under a strict perfectionist family. My parents always told me that I am destined for excellence – destined to be perfect – destined to become a flawless man . . . but no matter how thick my blood was like theirs, deep inside of me I never liked the thought of being perfect and I rejected their ideology for every single day that I lived.

There is not a thing of this world that I do not hate. I loathe this world more than I loathe my life. Politicians, corruption, crimes and poverty – I hate them. No matter how many rich people there are and no matter how many strong people lives, not a single one of them could stop this world from being this way . . . even my own family couldn't despite their utter "perfection".

. . . and then I met you Venus. I met you. Of all the things there are, you are the only one that has brought genuine happiness and joy upon my depraved heart. People who were close to me, family and relatives, never taught me a single thing about love . . . but you did. You gave me love more than anyone could possibly give in this world. You never failed to show me kindness and affection. Truly, there was not a dull moment with you. You were the only thing, the only one, which mattered to me the most.

My parents might've forced me to leave you... but they can never force me to forget you. You are caged in my heart and I am caged in yours. There is no amount of money and success . . . and not a single person could ever replace you.

° ° °

No one knows my sentiments except me and my brother. He is very close and dear to me, jolly and a bit of a clown at times. Next to Venus, he understands the pain and agony I go through... but he will always be worse than I am.

We work at the same place together as lawyers in the firm where our parents used to work. Practically, we are the "perfect" replacement for them and we had no choice but to obey them and work at the firm where they spent most of their lives to sustain us. He's probably there by now working on all the endless paper works that the clients bring in. What a bee, always there in time, never late.

I turn off the shower and halt myself from overthinking.

I dry my body with a towel. Hurriedly, I put on my dark slacks, dark shoes, white sleeves and tie. She used to tie them up because I don't know how. Now, I'm just settling with clip-ons.

I put on my coat, thrashed myself in my car and drove towards the law firm.

Cars pass by me as I make my way through the road. I am never used to driving a car in a crowded city full of people and vehicle. I just liked driving this car whenever I go for a joyride with her back at that little town where she's living in. There was this road covered with trees and I always bring her there and watch her childishly play with the scattered leaves on the road. What a place to live in . . . now it's just the bare heat, tall buildings, smokes on the air and loud noises from vehicles and people around. What a drag.