Motive

Symposium

[A year ago]

Music blared from my earbuds as I sat silently, staring at my skates. My hands trembled as I tied them in silence. Fellow skaters passed me by, one after another getting onto the ice. I would be up soon.

Music filled my ears, like a tiny orchestra inside of my headphones. I let my eyes flutter closed as the melody engulfed my body. I sunk into the chair, feeling as if I was falling into a haze, another world where my music illustrated the world around me.

My eyes shot open as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around, only to be greeted by my coach. He had a worried look on his face.

"You will be up after the next two skaters, Xiu." He spoke in a hushed tone.

"Understood." I turned the music down and finished tying my skates quickly.

As my time approached, I felt a dull feeling in my guts. I probably needed to go to the bathroom, but I didn't have time now. I was up next, after all. I couldn't bear to watch, afraid of my confidence plummeting or rising based on the performance of the others.

The current skater was a good friend of mine, so I couldn't help but feel guilty that I wasn't watching. My good friend, Yuki, always watched my performances regardless of when he was going on the ice. He had great confidence, which I aspired to have.

The audience roared as stuffed animals and flowers were flung onto the ice. He bowed multiple times with a smile on his face. His coach (and father), Shoma Uno, waited at the rink opening with his arms out. They hugged and exchanged words in Japanese, which I didn't understand.

I dared not to look at his score. The loud applause of the audience didn't help much, either. I watched as he bowed politely to the audience.

It was my turn.

I stood up silently and walked over to the entrance of the rink. My coach followed behind me and we met each other by the sideline.

"You can do this." He told me. "Remember your training. Even if you fail the 4f you can still make podium." He smiled gently. I nodded.
"Thank you. I will do my best." Was the last thing I said before skating over to the center of the rink to begin my program.

I stood in silence as the audience's applause faded. My breath shook as I breathed in and out.

The violin screamed into my ears, and to all of the audience. My hand raised above my head, as if mimicking the motion of playing said violin. I shivered as I made the first stroke on the ice.

One after another, the blades on my feet carried me across the surface of the cold, wet ice. The music was calming, yet melancholic. The piano's music slowly carried my body along with the music. I didn't even have to think anymore, my body just knew where to go.

The violin intensified and grew faster and faster as I moved into a flying camel spin, which turned into a sit spin combo. Before I knew it, I was preparing myself for the first jump; A quad sal. I gulped.

I winded myself up as the music came to a slow part. One, two, three. I landed it decently. I couldn't help but give a smile as I heard the audience cheer. My heart beat quickly as I went into my first step sequence.

My heart felt like it was screaming my love to all of the world. Every step, every movement was right on beat. I raised my arms above my head as I twirled and danced, letting my heart out through my movements, through my body. It was now time for the next spin.

... It was flawless. I cheered in my mind as I went into the next jump, which was a quad sal quad toe combo. Once I hit the ice from my first jump, I prepared myself  for the toe loop. I bent into my knee as low as I could. My free toe-pick slammed into the ice and with that I was launched into the air. After 4 quick rotations I hit the ice again, just as the audience roared.

My arm and hand movements swayed as the music grew louder. My legs were hurting, but I felt so alive. I twirled and danced and frolicked across the ice, every movement created with emotion and love. The piano that swayed with the violin, as if they were two lovers, dancing hopelessly in love until the end of their times.

I could've cried of happiness as the images in my head threw themselves at me. In all of their glory and defeat, through all that I had been through, they persisted, as did I.

I went into my next jump, a triple axel. Skating backwards quickly, I turned to the left and prepared myself. Becoming stable, I bent into my knee and launched into the air.

I fell. But I could still make it. I got back up and went right back to skating.

I pushed out my chest in faux pride, and wrapped my arms around myself, as if I was cherishing myself, my life, maybe even someone else.

The music cried and screamed it's story, as I showed my own. The last jump, a quad flip was coming up. I gulped. I only landed this jump about 70% of the time in practice, so there was still a chance I could fail. I let myself loosen up, then prepared to enter the jump.

I closed my eyes and breathed in...

Landed it. It was a bit shaky, but it landed.

I began to weep. I felt like I was walking on air. The last spin was approaching. I spun myself into it, and began my sit spin combo. After about 7 rotations, I stood up into a normal scratch spin and raised my arms above my head. It was over.

The music faded, and I suddenly felt exhaustion wash over me. I collapsed onto my knees and sobbed. The crowd roared, but they faded out as my ears began to ring.

Despite this, I stood up tall. I grinned wide and bowed to the audience 4 times, once in each direction, then made my way off the ice as my hearing returned.

My coach smiled as he greeted me with my guards and jacket. I smiled in return and came off the ice into a hug.
"I knew you could do it." He told me. "Good job, Xiu."