My Observations

sleepless nights and thinking

experiencing sleepless nights for a long period of time can make someone think. it can make me think and sometimes that is a dangerous thing. i have found that it is not as dangerous as i thought it to be this time, for i haven't stumbled a negative thought. the only thing i found is uncertainty, loneliness, and doubt.

i feel uncertainty because i have no clue what i want to do with my life or what i want or who i want to be. i know that it's ok to not know but it frightens me. i have this mindset of i have to have everything planned before i am ever ready to act on such plans. i take one look around me and see that most people i grew up with already know what they want and who they are. i'm still stuck inside my mind; trying to find myself again. i don't know if i'll ever find myself again. at least not in one piece.

i guess that kinda makes me a bit lonely. i spend so much time in my thoughts and never out in the real world; it's becoming harder to differentiate between the two honestly. i spend so much time in my room that i don't know who i truly am outside of it. i don't even know who i am when i'm with my friends. when i talk to people, i think there is a radio nearby. i listen to see if there is a Beethoven Sonnet playing when we talk. call me cliche for taking that comparison from a movie* but i didn't know how else to explain it. with most people i talk to, i hear only static. i so desperately want to hear the music play again, but i guess i'll just have to wait for the right people to come along.

although, i doubt i'll ever meet those people. i have so many dreams and things i want to do, but there is this voice in the back of my head telling i'll never be able to achieve. i doubt myself in everything i do; when i think about learning an instrument, writing a short story, or even just simply talking with my family. i doubt myself in all of these and so much more. i guess it's an easier pill to swallow when you expect the worse to happen, so you allow yourself to believe these doubts. i often find myself bottling up these doubts and storing them on a high shelf; one that i can't reach. i even doubt that i will ever be a good daughter, sister, friend, student, and girlfriend.

these are all things i will figure out with time. i guess i can try to improve on some things like being there for my friends more, being there for my mom, and talking to people about what i want. i also realize that i may not have been there for some people who needed a friend the most and for that i truly am sorry. i hope that, during this journey we call life, i can become better at that.

movie* -Netflix Original: The Perfect Date

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i thank everyone who has stuck with me through life and to those who even took the time to read this..... well, whatever this is. i also want to say that i don't hear the static with most of my friends and i hope i never will. i do stand by my apology and whilst writing there were a few people who came to my mind. i won't mention them because i'm not entirely sure if they will want me as a friend. anyhow, thank you for taking time out of your life to read this. i know i am the worlds worst at publishing new parts/chapters but just know that i will try to be better.

stay kind,
             viv