His Lies

Tainted

"Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows."
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I knew. She knew I knew, and she continued. She continued to smile at me during the day, calling me as if nothing was wrong in the world. Texting me as if we didn't have anything wrong between us. Her fake, sickly sweet words of always being there for me would ring into my head every single night. How could I cry upon the shoulder that shunned me away, and took what was mine?

How do I forgive someone so close, someone I love so much? After they stabbed my straight through the heart. My own best friend; sleeping with my husband at night.

I guess people really are 2-faced. That love she shared for me, would turn to lust she felt for him. And I was stuck in love, and in need. How do you run to someone and hug them when they are the ones who stuck they're slimy arms around the person you shared your life with? Him and Her.

The lips that are meant for only me to touch have been touched by another. The love only I was supposed to feel was shared with another. The love of my life was shared with another. And the self hatred was all mine. Bestowed upon the 2 closest people to me. The pain unbearable, as I stared off into the white wall.

Sitting against the bed, and just watching the plain features of the wall. Maybe it's a dream? A 2 year long dream? Maybe the kid that my best friend brought over ever so often wasn't my husbands. Maybe the little girl didn't replicate my husband. But as always; I was just sucked into a delusion.

Letting something go is so hard. But so needed. The pain, has tainted me. I gave him everything my being could offer. And it wasn't good enough. I gave him a beautiful son, and it wasn't good enough. Nothing ever was. I wish I could hate him as much as I hate myself because of him, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't. Because the love was still there, heavy in the house. But so was the thick stench of recent sex when I get home.

I threw my head Back into the mattress and stared. Replaying everything. I couldn't help but wonder; why wasn't I good enough? What was I missing in this equation? How could I be so stupidly naive to believe that I would be his only. That maybe he would get tired of her after a while. That maybe he would actually tell the truth when I ask him about her. But it always ends the same.

Guilt in his eye, denial on his face, lip stick on his collar

Tears in my eyes, hope in my heart, truth in my head.

I would never be good enough. I was just a pawn in his game of life. And oh god- their child. Her eyes reflected his chocolatey Brown ones. Looking at everything so curiously and full of love. The eyes I once fell in love with. The same eyes that now hold distance, regret, secrets, love, and lust for her. His once beautiful eyes are now tainted with his sins.

And along with love for me, I have left.
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The first few chapters will be the shortest, but they do get longer. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter; it only gets sadder from here. <3

~A.