A Journal I Never Wrote

Erase Me

I let it happen again.

When the three males woke from their shock, they called for emergency vehicles to come and pick up the body of Izuku Midoriya. Dabi left shortly after the call while Hisashi and Katsuki stayed; to see Izuku to the end. When the medics arrived they picked up Izuku's body and laid a white sheet over him. Hisashi went in the ambulance with them, leaving Katsuki with police officers and a beaten up notebook. Katsuki took the notebook before the officers saw it and hid it from them. After the police had gone, Katsuki read the contents of the notebook. All of Izuku's actions and thoughts were written on paper for Katsuki to read and understand. Katsuki cried, he cried into the book and claimed it for his own. As it was his last connection to Izuku. His only connection.

I failed myself, I failed my friends.

Hello, I am Katsuki or Kacchan, as that nerd wouldve called me. I couldnt hand this book to the police, it's the only thing I have left of Izuku. His-His funeral is today. I'll be wearing a red tie, he used to say red looked good on me because it matched my eyes. The old hag is mad at me. She says I shouldve protected Izuku, that I shouldnt have been such a brat. I know she's mad and upset right now, I hope she'll come around. I hope she doesnt learn it's my fault. Izuku's dad, Hisashi, was actually crying at his funeral. But from Izuku's entries it seems like Hisashi couldve cared less for his child. Fucking attention whore. Wait, I probably shouldnt write curse words in here; to honor Izuku. Hisashi confronted me after the ceremony. He looked angry, but there was an underlying sadness there. I'd seen it so many times before, on my own face in the mirror. He said the same things the old hag had. Said I shouldve protected him. That I shouldve listened. He, he ended up breaking down and crying his eyes out. I let him be and gave him space.
I wonder if he was talking to me, or to himself.

Check my pulse; I'm alive.

It's been 2 weeks since Izuku's funeral; 3 and 1/2 since his passing. Things have gone back to normal, like he never existed, like he had no meaning, like he wasnt the light of this darn classroom. The teachers brushed it off, said it was just another tragedy and continued teaching whatever. Just because he hung out with villains DOESNT MEAN HE IS ONE. HE WAS INNOCENT HE WAS PURE HE WAS ONE OF THE GOOD ONES AND I DESTROYED HIM. I destroyed him. I killed him. I drove him to the edge. I drove him to drugs. I pushed him to the villains. I handed him over on a silver platter of self-destruction and insecurity. Perfect for them mold and shape, perfect for them to finish what I started. I did that to him.

Did it cross your mind, cross your mind?

I guess everyone finally woke up from their shock and discovered that I was there for his death and somewhat knew of his problems. Everyone started to blame me, they said I didnt help him and that I did nothing to save him. It seems theyre convinced that the villains brainwashed him, and that I had knowledge of it and didnt stop it. They dont get that I was the one that brainwashed him.
I blew up on them, saying I had tried. But I had tried too late. I hadnt known what had been going on until the end, until it was too late. That I missed him too and that I was suffering too. They dont believe me. They all take advantage of hero training, they take it as an opportunity to beat me up and hurt me. Theyve broken my ribs a couple of times. Recovery Girl is getting used to seeing me, she doesnt question it anymore. Kirishima doesnt talk to me anymore; no one does. Mina, pikachu, and weird elbows. They stick to themselves now. And when I look around I realize, theyve isolated me.

I gave up.
I gave up.

After they isolated me, I figured it wouldnt matter if I did well in school anymore. So I just stopped. School was a better place to sleep than home. I couldnt hear my old hag's crying or my old man's angry lawn work at 3am. I couldnt be engulfed by the darkness of my house that resembled the dark green of Izuku's hair. Or the darkness of his blood. It was light in the classroom, and people were around to drown out my mind with their chatter. Music wasnt doing the trick anymore. Exercise didnt help either. It just made me tired, and want to sleep more only to wake up an hour later drenched and wired. It made me more tired in the morning when the alarm rang in my head. The old hag's stopped making enough food for the three of us. She only makes enough for two. I dont want to take my old man's food and I wasnt about to disrespect the old hag and make my own food. So I just dont come down anymore. Which means I dont eat anymore. Not working out and not eating has taken its toll already. I can see my muscles dissipating and it's getting harder to move around. But maybe that's for the better. I cant harm anyone this way.