NUMB / Taejin

ONE

The love of my life died.

It was a week ago, on a Friday and at dawn just as the clock passed 4.

He died with a smile on his lips and thin fingers pressing into mine tightly. Just before he passed, his eyes never left mine as he kept whispering,

"You'll be okay, baby.."

I couldn't respond with anything intelligent as I wailed and sobbed loudly begging him not to leave me, praying to every god there was, shouting and yelling to all the doctors and staffs in that hospital room.

"Shhh...you'll be okay, baby."

He repeated, his soft hand on my cheeks and that was the only thing that could calm me down.
I prayed. I prayed hard. Every minute I was awake, I whispered a silent prayer to whoever was listening but nothing could prevent the cancer from taking him away.

"My baby, my Tae.."

He murmured as conciousness started to leave his frail and weakened body.

And just like that..even upto the last minute, he was the one comforting me. Like he always had for the 3 wonderful years we spent together.
The only 3 years of my life when I was remotely sane, when I was remotely...happy.

Three years ago and on a December day very much similar to today, we met for the first time.
It was snowing and I was standing at this very spot I am right now- infront of Min's coffee shop that's just outside the hospital's gate.

I had sought shelter from the heavy falling snow on the porch of the shop. I don't remember how long I've stood there before I turned around to my right and saw him.
Neither of us made a sound as the snow piled up on the concrete road noislessly.

He stared at the dull sky and I stared at his side profile.

And for some reason, I couldn't look away.

He looked sad. Like me. I didn't know who he was but I felt the greatest urge to get rid of whatever pain he was going through.
The sadness in his eyes bothered me for some reason.
I wanted to hold this stranger and tell him that it was going to be okay.

Which would be a lie.

I, of all people had no right to be telling anyone that.
I had no right to advice anyone on life.
My own life had fallen to the lowest point on the morning of that very day.

"I can't do this anymore, Taehyung."

My own mother. My own flesh and blood, the only person I had to call 'family' said to me.

"For 21 long years, I've been here for you, son. But you're not trying. You're not trying to get better. I've given you all I can but I have my own life to live too."

Said the woman who only visited me once every 4-5 months. But she wasn't wrong. She had her own life to live. A good life with her rich husband and two perfectly sane, normal children of their own.

"I can't do this anymore. We're leaving for the States in a week. This is goodbye.
I'm sorry, Taehyung."

I only nodded as she turned to leave. My mother was never one to shed tears. She didn't when my father killed himself. She didn't when I was diagnosed with depression. And she still did not as she left her son alone in that cold hospital room.

For her, my father and I were a mistake. A rash decision she took as a rebellious teenage girl and she was quick to leave as soon as rationality hits her. She left us when I had just turned 5 years old. A few months later, we heard that she had remarried and was happy. Soon afterwards, she had two beautiful children and I became a stranger to her.

Father worked hard to put food on the table. He worked harder to send me to a decent school.
But he was sad.
He was a healthy person. But he was sick inside. He drank and cried every night. He harmed and cut himself, hit his head on the walls and cursed and shouted.
And ultimately, the pain became too much for him to go on and he ended it.

"I'm sorry, Taehyung."

He told me before I left for school that morning and when I returned he was on the floor, pills all over the room, froth coming out of his mouth and hand on his chest.
But he was no longer in pain.

My mother cursed my father and his death every single day. She was angry I was placed in her care again. She made sure I was out of her sight as much as possible. I was sent to a boarding school for the whole year and the only holidays I get to come back was during the winter and I spent it alone as she and her family always left to travel somewhere else right before I came home.

Maybe it was my father. Maybe it was my mother.
Or maybe it was just me. But I started losing myself as soon as I reach high school.
I became numb.
I indulged myself in very vices I came across.
Drugs, alcohol, sex. They made me forget the pain inside...for a while.

I thought if I got hurt outside, the inside would hurt less. But no matter how much I cut myself, I couldn't feel the pain on my flesh.
The razor, the blood.
It felt dull.

All I could feel was the stinging pain inside.

I've been in and out of the hospital so many times that I've lost count. It's funny...as much as I bleed, it never seems to run out.

"Destructive, self-harm, bipolar, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, trauma, coping mechanism..."

New words kept adding up to my reports with every visit to the hospital and my mother couldn't care less. I was a leech to her. A parasite. A danger to be around her perfect children and husband.

And so, they finally left. To begin a new life in the States. Far away from destructive Taehyung.
My step-father was a decent man and promised he was going to wire me some money monthly but I'm sure his wife talked him out of it because nothing did come afterwards.

It was in the afternoon that day and just a few minutes after my mother left when I came down to the coffee shop. I couldn't stay in that cold room any longer. Throwing a long coat over my hospital pajamas, I made my way out only to realize I had not a single penny on me.

So, I stood there. Waiting for the snow to stop as I stared at the man with the sad eyes.

He turned around after a good couple of moments.
Stared right back at me. And smiled.

"Hi."
He spoke in a low voice.

"Hi."
I responded back.

We kept quiet again.

I wanted to talk more. But I didn't know what to say. I remembered hoping the snow storm won't clear up anytime soon for us to leave.

"It looks like the snow isn't clearing up soon."
He spoke as if he read my mind.

"Yeah. It seems so."
I replied more eagerly than I should.

He smiled again.

"Why are you out here instead of inside?"
I turned my head to the coffee shop. It's warm in there and the smell of freshly baked bread seeped through the windows.

"Um... no reason. Why are you out here then?"

"I didn't bring any money."
I couldn't think of anything other than the truth.

His expression turned quizzical as he eyed my hospital pyjamas and he nodded understandably.

"Can I treat you to some coffee?"
He asked with another smile.

"No, I couldn't..."

"I was out here because I didn't want to go in alone."
He added quickly.

"Oh..ok, then."

"Great!"
He came closer and pulled his hand out from his pocket and then towards me.

"I'm Seokjin."

I took his handshake. My hand was freezing but his was warm and soft to touch.

"Taehyung."

I answered with a smile.

I don't know why I was smiling. But it was the first time I had in years..
And it felt good. Truly good.