NUMB / Taejin

THREE (End)

So, without him now... what do I do?

The cancer came back a year and half later and it came back more worse than before, disrupting every peace and tranquility we had built up in our little home.

Seokjin was a brave fighter. He was braver than me through all those appointments and treatments.
His hand held mine tightly, comforting me more than himself. The sheer look of fear and worry on my face made him chuckle at times.
But it was never funny for me. Nothing about his illness was.

As months of struggles went by, his grip on my hand grows weaker.
His fingers grew thinner and so did his body.
The once chubby rosy cheeks had reduced to grow dull and hollow.
His eyes lids grew heavier as the days passed and he spends more time asleep than awake.

I closed the shop to take care of him full time. I couldn't afford to take my sight off of him even for a second. Everytime he sleeps still, I got startled if he hasn't moved for a while. I kept checking his breath constantly for reassurance.
Everytime I had to leave to get supplies, I ran through my errands like a mad man to get home faster.

His life was on the line as so was my sanity.
I cursed everyone and everything. I was yelling at every doctor we went to. Our friends tried to help us but I only responded with more yelling and cursing.

I watched in horror helplessly as he writhes in pain at night, his whole body aching.
I was powerless when he was taken in for his chemo appointments- the painful screams he lets out as needles jab him haunts me day and night.
How I wished I could take all of his pain....but I couldn't.
I was powerless.

And as horrific as it was, we finally accepted our fate as the cancer reached it's terminal stage. There was nothing we could do other than make the most of the little time we had left.

On some nights when he felt better, we laughed as we watched our favourite movies. Seokjin hated being moody and took every opportunity to find reasons to be happy about. That was one of many things I loved about him. He was always so positive.

And on some nights, we cried. We cried in each other arms like we had in that hospital bed years ago. We cried and found comfort in each other's touch when it was too hard for words to be exchanged.

"Taehyung.."
He whispered as we sat on the couch infront of the TV one night.

"Hmmm?"

"I want to be somewhere where there's lots of snow."

"What do you mean?"

"You know how the cold snow numbs your body. I think that'll be nice. I won't feel the pain anymore."

I couldn't breathe as I searched for the correct words to answer.

"Do you want to go somewhere this weekend then?"
I replied nervously. He was too weak to be travelling.

"No, not now.. Later."
He rested his head on my shoulder and closed his eyes.

"Later? When exactly?"

"Much later.."
He mumbled as he started to fall asleep.

Numb.
I hated feeling numb.
It was a feeling I desperately tried to get rid of.
It was a feeling that disappeared when Seokjin walked into my life.
I felt alive after it was gone.
I felt loved, happy, excited.

So why would anyone want to feel numb?
Numb isn't exciting.
It's sad, it's dull... it's death.

When the doctor finally told us to admit to the hospital, we knew our time was near.