War with self .
Life, a vicious circle ,
People call it a miracle
But I would rather call it a battle
Constant objections , bickering ,conflicts on
what to choose what to feel and how to go about
Pretending to be someone else throughout.
We we're taught to be perfect but had to put our true selves locked at Bay .
To please others and what about us ?
Do you have anything to say ?
It started when I was 15 or should I say I had it all along
and it was just waiting to be discovered, to be labeled ,to be found .
Kids my age were scared of the monsters under their bed
Conversely I was befriending the demons in my head .
Poker face ,apathy and no more desire to play
My life felt as it was crumbling down like kinetic sand ,play dough or like some dry clay ..
Months of muffled screams
Crying myself to sleep only to be strangled and killed in my dreams .
Nightmares made me forfeiture my sleep
Ugly scars ,slashed wrists ..burned thighs we're only the things I could keep .
Listening to plumb when I was numb
And to “look after you “ to bring me back to life would sound dumb
but that's what I did throughout my teen life ..
Pushing people before they pushed me away
Shutting out everyone who showed they care
I had turned into someone with trust issues ..
Trying to find the reason , hint or sign maybe some clues
To why my skies weren't bright but only shades of blues .
Some said it was a phase ,
while some said oh “aren't you a little attention seeker ?” And some said depression was my case
I was confused as why people only talked ..
they did not care and none of them even tried to help me out
It's not like I never tried to let my feelings out
But whenever I did people had doubts
Whether this was true or some staged play I performed
I had to act a certain way ..a way that was normed
No one could hear my screams even when I tried to belt out with Jason walker
“Listen, listen
I would take a whisper if that's all you had to give
But it isn't, is it?
You could come and save me and try to chase the crazy right out of my head
I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
Like a fool at the top of my lungs
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
But it's never enough”
I got a little carried away
And when they ask y do you look so dull ?
I m not much of a talker I say .
One fine day my world turned around
My doggo Maxx came in with his little paws which made my heart skip a beat for a stound
Talked my heart out with him beside on his favourite spot
Licked away my tears ,cuddled and made sure I felt secured
Felt like my depression was almost cured
But my therapist said build relationships with humans rather than dogs .
Enraged by that thought I left the sessions half way through
Still fighting my way back to old me
With coffee , music and Netflix spree
As it's said to make steel strong it's put under tremendous heat
War with oneself is hard to defeat
But there's a hope I'll come out neat .
-aashu🖤
