A Letter From Heaven

Chapter 4. starry night

I couldn't fall asleep...again. Despite being tired from working all day and even going out in the evening to the festival, sleep still wasn't coming to me. I was already used to it though. Falling asleep after the clock hand passed 2am had become normal to me since Scarlet left me. Every night, I turn off the lights, go to bed and start drowning in my own thoughts until tiredness finally takes over me. But even in my dreams, I usually find some unpleasant or pleasant, but painful memories instead of peace.

And it goes on like this...

When Scarlet was still alive and when we happened to sleep together, I used to be falling asleep instantly once my head touched the pillow and I rarely had nightmares, unlike now. However I must say, that when I dream of the happy future with Scarlet, which I can never have, it's a lot more terrible than just a usual nightmare. You can overcome your fear, but it's insanely hard to fight your pain. The only thing you can do is just learn to live with it and let the time heal it.

I often catch myself thinking that perhaps I could ask for help. I mean....for professional help. A specialist could try to help me forget Scarlet and learn to live normally again, but sometimes...I feel like I don't even want to move on. I don't want to forget Scarlet. Yes, living with this pain is terrible but this pain is all that's left from her.

I got up from my bed after realizing that it's pointless to continue trying to fall asleep.

I kept thinking about the little girl that I met during the festival. Her words weren't leaving my head. She wasn't just a clever girl...she was wise. Wisdom is a gift that you can only get through experience or with time...well, usually. It's so rare to be born with it, yet this seemed to be the case with that girl. Normal kids don't even think about things she was talking about in her age. What a strange girl...

To be honest, I would like to talk to her again. She was indeed a very interesting case.

I got up on my feet and walked over towards the window to open it. Smiling softly, I looked out of the window at the beautiful starry sky above me.

Stars have always calmed me down. It didn't matter how bad my state was: anxious, terrified or despaired. I only had to take a look at the stars when all my worrying and terrifying thoughts disappeared from my head.

I suddenly remembered one evening, when Scarlet and I were walking home after a date in the cinema and it was quite late so stars could already be seen in the skies. That night the wind was rather cool so I gave her my jacket to keep her warm.

Suddenly, Scarlet stopped and lifted her head up, looking at the thousands of stars right above our heads, while holding my hand tightly.

"So beautiful..." she mumbled "Isn't it, Anthony?"

"Yes, it's absolutely mesmerizing..." I replied without even looking up at the skies

While Scarlet was looking at the stars, I was looking at the reflection of stars in her eyes and couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful they were...not stars. Her eyes.

I was looking at her gentle smile, at her nose and cheeks, that got a little pinkish because of cold, I was looking at the way her hair trembled because of the wind, I was enjoying the feeling of her warm hand in mine...and I absolutely had no inner strength to look away from her.

"Anthony" She called me suddenly "Do you remember the day, when we visited the art gallery?"

"Of course, I do." I replied "It was just a few weeks ago."

"It's just that I suddenly remembered your face when you were looking at Van Gogh's Starry Night." She explained

I got confused because I couldn't understand what she was leading to.

"I remember how fascinated you were with this painting." She continued "You were mesmerized by it and I couldn't understand what's so special about that painting. I couldn't understand why it was called "Starry Night" if there weren't any stars on it and then, you explained to me, that those yellow things were stars, but I complained that they didn't look like stars at all. You smiled softly at me back then and said that it was the way Van Gogh saw stars."

"Why did you suddenly remember it?" I asked, still not being able to understand her

"I think that...I'm starting to understand why he painted stars that way..." Scarlet answered quietly

"Really?" I asked her "That's wonderful! But what helped you understand it?"

She looked down at the ground and started speaking with completely different voice: a serious and thoughtful one.

"I don't think that he has always seen stars that way." She started "I don't know his biography, but I'm absolutely sure, that he started seeing the world with such magnificent colors after some...incident. Something happened with him, after what he never saw the world in the same way. Someone changed him."

"Someone?" I re-asked in surprise

"Yes, someone." She nodded "It's absurd that something ordinary could change him so much. It definitely had to be someone special."

"So you're trying to say that he fell in love and never saw the world in the same way after that?" I questioned

"Yes, exactly." Scarlet replied

"But still, what made you think so?"

Unexpectedly, she looked me in the eyes tenderly and I couldn't help but feel caught off guard and blush slightly.

"I was looking at the stars now and saw that very "Starry Night" in the skies." Scarlet explained, holding my hand tighter "You changed me and the world around me became as bright and colorful as Van Gogh's one. Your love changed my world."

After her words, our heads leaned closer to each other and our lips touched in a gentle kiss, when suddenly, I could see "Starry Night" flash in front of my eyes.

I smiled widely because of this small, but such an important memory.

I know, that people say that it's better to let go of the past but I don't want to do it. If only I could, I'd definitely go back to that day and feel the cold wind of that night again.

These are the kind memories that calm me down, when my thoughts get messed up. Yes, I feel slight bitterness inside after it, but it's nothing compared to the warmth that spreads all over my body just because of one small memory like this one.

You shouldn't live in the past, but you shouldn't forget it either. After all, the tapestry of our present is sewed with threads of our past.

Without thinking twice, I reached over for my peachy notebook and wrote down my second reason: Starry Night.

Looking at the stars one more time, I whispered:

"I love you, Scarlet. I hope, that you're seeing peaceful dreams now."

Turning off the lights again, I went to bed, while thinking about how even after her death, Scarlet is still the reason of my inner peace.