You woke up and immediately noticed something was off. You got out of bed and rushed downstairs a d saw your mom talking with a pasty white Irish man.
"Hee hee my name is Kevin I will be adopting you today," he said, the light reflecting off of his skin so much so that it blinded you.
"Yes haha this is your new daddee" your mom said. "I am getting arrested." She was taken away by Shrek and never seen again.
"And this is the story of the time I found out my mom did drugs," you began to narrate to the camera like you were in the office.
"You are coming home with me, hop on little shit!" Kevin yelled at you as he mounted his steed, Scoobay. You began to cry like a baby as you hung onto Scoobay for dear life as you all traveled through time and space to Kevin's house.
Kevin walked you to the door of his playboy mansion and you could hear the screams of children inside.
KEVIN:
It's just behind this door.
YOU: What is?
KEVIN: My playroom.
YOU:
Like your Xbox and stuff?
KEVIN: It's important that you know you CAN NEVER LEAVE
YOU: Why? What's in there?
CHRISTIAN GREY:
I meant what I said. The helicopter is on standby to take you whenever you want to go.
Upon walking in you see what cannot be unseen. On the walls you notice Jim Pickens posters, so many that they overlap each other. You see Kevin's video set up and the greenscreen, but behind that you see many taxidermied bears.
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For example.
"they are my only friends" Kevin said.
You suddenly felt really bad for Kevin. "wow I am so sorry"
"shut up First Name."
"anyway as my child you will not be going to school. You will sit on the computer and play educational games like Idle Breakout and the Mary Kate and Ashley series." he said.
"Kevin I am 24 winky face," you replied.
"wow really. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)" Kevin said.
"how did you say ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) out loud?" you asked. You decided to go down to his basement.
"No don't go in there!"
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You gasped as you saw Hagrid tied to a post.
"I get lonely sometimes." Kevin explained. You started to cry.
"Kevin oh my goodness what happened to you?"
He sighed. "It's going to be okay Fecker." He liked your nostril.
Two years later you two got married. He wore a neon yellow crop top and booty shorts and you put on a Jim Pickens mask.
"you may now kiss" Hagrid said, then died as he was now over 500 years old. Your wedding night included snorting cocaine on Hagrid's grave.
