Diary of a Fallen Queen

Interlude

The water engulfed me. Everything I've ever done was going to be washed away. I was looking forward to not having anymore issues and forgetting that I ever even had past mistakes. Pastor James had his hand on my back and as he pushed me forward I was hopeful that he was pushing me past my insecurities.

I stood to my feet and wiped my eyes and the first face I see is my mother. She stood there smiling and rocking like she won the lottery.

She stood there proud of the child that brought her so much heartache and pain was getting baptized. I turned around as the ushers assisted me out of the pool and guided me upstairs.

I immediately ran to the bathroom, locked the door and cried my eyes out. All I could think about was my past mistakes.

How I watched my mother cry as a result of my harsh words and I didn't even care. But I thought these thoughts would be washed way. My guilt began engulf me and it wasn't as light as the water.

Heart racing, palms sweating, tears streaming and I didn't know what to do. I'm having another panic attack. But how can that be. I got baptized like they told me to. I accepted Christ into my heart so why am I going through this again.

Knock Knock.

I tried to stay as quite as I could but my body wouldn't obey my mind.

"Baby, Are you ok?" My mother asked.

"Yes, I'm fine." I managed to get out.

"Open the door and let me in," she insisted.

It took me a few minutes but I was able to pry my wet body off of the cold floor and open the door. She opened the door slow and began to squeeze her body through the small opening in order to shield me from prying eyes. She took my face in her hands and looked me in my eyes.

" I love you!" she said with so much passion.

I just couldn't muster up the courage to say it back to her. I just laid my head on her shoulder and cried until I had no more tears in me.