Spotless Mind; Soonhoon

02

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JIHOON CAN HARDLY recognize himself as real. He wants to be blank, spotless on the outside like nothing's ever been wrong, completely dead on the inside. He supposes he is, really, but not nearly dead enough. He's just stuck in this weird, translucent limbo; living, but not wholly.

It's a tough day, and he has to remind himself that he's had tough days before - even tougher days than this. His first few out of the hospital were practically hell, and he survived those. He just needs to stitch himself together and hope the thread holds for a little while longer.

"You're kind of a dick." Jihoon winces at the voice over the line.

"You know," he says, "I called to take my mind off of things, but this isn't really helping."

"You left the fucking city to take your mind off of things, and you're still calling me. After three days and - what is it, forty-something missed calls? How many texts have I sent you, Jihoon? And you're only getting back to me now? So you can take your mind off of things. Give me a break."

"Alright," he says slowly, "I can see your point - "

"I'd fucking hope so - "

" - and I get it, I'm an asshole, this whole thing was an asshole move on my part. But cut me some slack, Seungkwan, I'm a mess. I've been a mess."

Seungkwan goes quiet over the receiver, static crackling in the absence of his voice. Jihoon can just picture him glaring at his phone. Eventually, he says, "You had me worried, Jihoon. You had all of us worried."

"I know," he mumbles. "I'm sorry. But we'll see each other again, I won't stay out here forever."

"What was the point of leaving, even? What were you hoping to accomplish? Like some epiphany was going to occur to you the second you left Seoul. Loneliness won't cure your amnesia, Jihoon. I don't think anything can."

"You're being a little harsh," he says, and he hates how whiny he sounds.

"It's something you need to hear. You've been searching for answers and looking up every possible solution, but there's no such thing. The sooner you come to terms with that, the sooner you'll stop suffering ... and I really do hate to see you like this."

Seungkwan's tone turns soft at the end, a little more vulnerable. Jihoon has to remind himself that he isn't trying to be hurtful, he's just blunt, and whatever bitchy tone or sense of exasperation radiated from him is entirely unintentional. Seungkwan only wants to help, he only cares.

Jihoon laughs, and it sounds unconvincing even to himself. "Could you care about me a little more nicely? I've been sensitive." Seungkwan sighs.

"Look I - I mean, this just feels a little hopeless, doesn't it? You're a good friend, you mean a lot to me, and it hurts to see you running around like this when there's no point to it. I just want to see you happy again."

"You say that like it's easy."

"It's not easy, I know that, but you're making things more difficult for yourself. Just come home, Jihoon."

"You just hate not being able to keep tabs on me, like - like I'm gonna drown myself in the lake if you're not here to watch over me 24/7. Yes, alright, I'm not okay, life fucking sucks. But I didn't come out here to do some dumb shit that I could've just as easily done back home." Seungkwan goes quiet, and the only thing Jihoon can hear then is the sound of his breathing.