Her Dying Wish

Her Dying Wish 

I lay in bed crying my eyes out as my heart ached. My husband desperately tried to console me, but, how could he when he was hurting himself. How could he when he was trying to be strong for my sake? But how could we both cope with the death of our only child even when we knew her death was imminent. God must hate me for this. How could He take away my pride and joy when she was just starting to live her life? How? This is unfair! Why are some Mothers able to see their children live their lives to the fullest? Why was I deprived that opportunity? Why? 

Her funeral was today. A lot of people came. Her friends, classmates, even people who didn't really know her. I cannot believe the impact she made on people in that short fifteen years she was here. It was amazing and I was overwhelmed with emotion. But even with that huge impact she made there were still a lot of things she missed. 

As I went through her stuff today, I found her favorite box. It was a box where she kept all things she held dear. Imagine my surprise when I found a rock of all things in it. When I saw a little purple post-it taped on it, I smiled at her antics. She was always collecting different kinds of things. I continued to go through her box as I recalled the happy memories I had of her. When I emptied the contents of the box on the bed, an envelope fell out last and it was for me. Curious, I opened it and scanned its contents. 

"Dear Mommy, 

If you're reading this then I must have passed on already. I don't want you to mourn and grieve for me, Mom. I know you must be mad and confused as to why this happened but everything happens for a reason. When I found out that I had stopped reacting to treatment, I felt as if my life officially ended. I mean, why are other kids able to grow up? Why not me? In the last stages of my sickness, I learned that everything happens for a reason. It is all part of a bigger plan. I may not have been able to grow up, but I experienced something some kids never have - love.  

You showed me what love is. You loved me unconditionally even when we knew what the outcome would be. You gave me everything I could ever wish for, granted there were times when I wished you were a little lenient, but I still loved you. You were always there. I just wish we could have had more time. I may no longer be with you, but I know you'll always be thinking of me. 

Life is something precious -- something that is not to be wasted. A lot of people wish that they could have a second chance at life. But sadly, that will never happen. I ask only one thing of you, Mom, live life to the fullest. You only live once. I love you!

Your Daughter,  

Amanda <3"

I was shocked say the least. I can't imagine what would have happened when my daughter finds out how I have spent the last week. I cannot believe I spent all week on alcohol just hoping to to be relieved of the pain.

I'm so sorry Baby Girl, I thought. I promise I will do better.