When we were young

The time out west

You moved across the country, and what do you know, I still thought about you. I wonder why you did it. You were always full of stories and big ideas, always the one I wanted to listen to around the campfire. You were my opposite, is so many ways. A piece of me wondered if the move was to get away from me, but I know that's self centered. We were confusing and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't ever want to see me again. I did miss you, if you were wondering, though I could never decide what I thought about you. I still can't, and I'm not even supposed to be wondering. I do know I have very strong emotions toward you. They sometimes say there is a thin line between love and hate, and that kinda seems true, especially with you. Maybe you drove me so crazy that I decided I might love you. That's a strong statement, and honestly, I wonder about what love is a lot these days. I tell people I love them, but what does it really mean? Is it a crime to love more than one person? Is it a crime to tell someone you love them when you do, but you also think about someone else?
Anyway, that was a long tangent.

Of all places, my senior trip was straight to you. Out of everything, what are the odds? That was a crazy coincidence, especially since we didn't vote on the location, instead we all followed the lead of a single person. Ironically, a person who didn't even want to go hiking. You picked a good place to get away. It's a place I still crave, though I've yet to be back. I'd love to go again someday. That was the first time I'd seen the mountains.

I have wondered what would have happened if I took you up on your offer to go off-roading. I was so tempted. It seemed like fate, meant to be, and I'm sure you thought the same. Why else would I be out there? I probably hurt you when I said no, I'm sure your hopes were high. I struggled with that occurrence for awhile. I really did miss you, but I tried to pretend you were no one around my friends. I agreed with them when they insulted you, and that is probably one of my biggest regrets to this day. I cried about it a lot the other month.

I wonder if this is an addiction, and if that's all. I've been trying to make it go away, in order to save my current relationship. But here's the thing, I'm struggling with it. I don't know if I would ever be able to get married if I didn't resolve this. Do you feel the same? It feels like an Achilles heel, and I'm afraid to have one in marriage, since I believe you should be sure about that, and there's no going back afterwards.

Could this be my downfall? If it is, I want it to happen sooner, instead of later. I'm tired of waiting and wondering. I've spent a lot of time afraid to lose my hope that maybe we are the ones for each other in the end, but I also am afraid to hurt the person I'm with now. I know I should do the thing that makes me the happiest in the end, but how am I supposed to know what that is? And how am I supposed to avoid hurting the people I care about in the process? I know I've already hurt you, because you put that song on your farewell playlist.