I am your summer

Part II - KARLIE - Chapter 2

Karlie crinkles the fabric of her shirt, then wipes her clammy hands on her shorts. She knows Taylor is there, she heard the frantic footsteps behind the door when she knocked.

With each passing second, her anxiety increases. Maybe Taylor doesn't want to see me. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Oh God, she hates me. I can never fix this.

She jumps slightly when a neighbor opens his door and shuts it loudly, but he doesn't even see her as he walks towards the staircase. Somewhere on the floor a dog barks, then it's quiet again.

She has only been at Taylor's once. There's a dull ache in her chest at the memory. They had cooked together, then watched a nature documentary, and then made out on the couch for what felt like forever before finally finding their way to Taylor's bed. Karlie remembers how good it all had felt, how familiar.

She had been lying to Taylor through all of it. She lets out a shaky sigh. Maybe I don't deserve a second chance. Or a third chance, depending on how we're counting. Maybe romance isn't for me. I shouldn't have come here.

Karlie internally debates whether she should leave or not. She has been standing in front of Taylor's door for a good three minutes. If she just goes home, she can call Jourdan and cry to her, like she has done so many times before. Tell Jourdan she had been wrong, that she can't fix this. Nevertheless, she stays rooted to her spot.

She is pulled out of her downward spiral when the door opens in one swift motion. She stumbles back a step, not expecting the sudden action. When she looks up she sees Taylor, a hand on the doorknob. She's in her sweatpants and an old college t-shirt, her curly hair in a messy bun. She's wearing her glasses, something Karlie has seen on her only once before.

The sight makes Karlie's heart beat out of her chest. They stare at each other for a long moment before Taylor clears her throat and speaks up.

"Come in."

Karlie moves forward slowly, like Taylor could change her mind any second and slam the door in her face. It doesn't happen, though, and Taylor closes the door quietly behind her.

"So?"

Karlie thinks Taylor wants to appear nonchalant, but the slight hitch in her voice gives her away. She doesn't know if she should feel relieved or not that their situation has affected Taylor just as much as her.

"Can we talk?" Karlie croaks out, looking anywhere but Taylor's face.

One of Taylor's cats, the smaller white one – Olivia, Karlie remembers fondly – is sitting on the couch. Taylor leads them there, and the little cat jumps down and runs into the other room. It's like she knows a serious conversation is about to happen and wants to escape the palpable tension in the room. Karlie can't blame her.

"I need you to know that I'm truly sorry" Karlie starts once they sit down and Taylor gives her an expectant look.

"I messed up. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't believe I lied to you. I'm ... not that kind of person." She takes a deep breath.

"During the Olympics, I knew I couldn't bring up what had happened between us a year before. Yes, I remembered you."

Taylor looks up at her, like this is the explanation she's been waiting for. Karlie takes another deep breath, and then she explains everything to her, in as much detail as she can remember. She's been thinking about it so much in the past week, the words just come tumbling out of her, like they've been waiting at the tip of her tongue all along. Karlie talks and talks, and Taylor doesn't interrupt her.

She feels a weight fall off her shoulders. It feels good to be sitting next to Taylor again. Her presence has always had this effect on her, even now that she's not sure if Taylor will forgive her. If she wants her back in her life the same way as before, or at all. The anxiety still sits deep in Karlie's chest, but it's not prominent in this moment.

"You mean something to me, Taylor. You really do. I apologize for ever making you feel like you didn't. When I was looking for you a year ago ... I felt so scared of my own emotions. I felt so scared that I might never meet you again. And then you came back into my life, and I messed it up. I want to fix everything, whatever it takes."

Taylor regards her for another long moment. Karlie sees her wringing her hands in her lap.

"You hurt me, Karlie. You lied to me." Her voice is quiet.

Karlie hums in response. There's nothing to euphemize the truth behind Taylor's words.

"But-" Taylor leans forward a little and searches for something on Karlie's face.

"You mean something to me too. I've been having a good time with you. I was serious about what I said to you, that I feel confident around you. A year ago, when we met at Sunset and Vine, the hook-up meant nothing to me. But then I got over my initial shock at seeing you in Tokyo, and I started to get to know you as a person. And I thought this was going somewhere ..." She trails off, her gaze never leaving Karlie's face.

Karlie bites her lip. "It was going somewhere. I was just ... I was just stupid. I've never been in an adult relationship. What you read about me in the tabloids ... it was all true. Until I met you."

She knows how cheesy she sounds. She knows how uneven her voice is and how desperate she must sound. Her chin starts to quiver and she tears her eyes away from Taylor to look at her hands in her lap.

"I was terrified of the change. I don't even know why I kept the lie going after we came back to New York. I'm truly sorry, Taylor. I really want to fix this. If you want space, I will give you space. If you want to start over right now, we can do that. Please?"

She bites her lip again to stop her chin from quivering. Taylor looks at her with that intense gaze again.

"Karlie ..." Taylor moves closer and puts a hand on Karlie's arm.

"I believe you. I accept your apology. I want to try this with you, wherever this is going. We're gonna take it slow. But no more lies. In my last relationship we both failed to communicate, and I want to be better, too. We will be honest with each other from now on, about everything. Okay?"

Karlie can only nod. Taylor moves closer, her face only an inch away from Karlie's now. Karlie gulps at the proximity. Taylor smiles softly, then brings their lips together.

It's chaste, short and sweet. It's over before she remembers to close her eyes. And yet it feels like the best kiss she's ever had. It feels like their first kiss, in a way. Not drunk and urgent in the middle of a bar, but intimate and meaningful despite the fact that it lasted barely a second.

Taylor puts distance between them again. "Can I see you tomorrow?"

Karlie pulls herself out of her daze. She takes the question as her cue to leave and slowly gets up.

"Yeah." She smiles at Taylor, and Taylor smiles back, then gets up too.

They hold hands on the short way to the door. Karlie doesn't say anything. She's leaving, but it's not a goodbye. It's a new start. Tomorrow, they will start over. Slowly. Taylor doesn't say anything either, but there's a soft glint in her eyes when Karlie turns around once she's in the hallway.