the winter of dead

ii

i couldn't tell if it was the frigid temperatures or what jordan had just said, but an icy numbness stunned me suddenly. time itself ironically froze. so did the rest of my body it seemed; my feet had stopped moving forward and my mind was as blank as the snow on the rooftops. but my heart raced as fast and rattled as heavily as the snow coming down. maybe the muffs on my ears were playing tricks on me. but her words were as clear as icicles. "in love." words, quite frankly, i thought i'd never hear pointed towards me.

jordan stood in front of me, waiting for me to meet her forest green eyes, which were screaming "say something, anything." she masked the thought with a smile, a smile that comforted me and filled me with strange warmth even now, on a late, cold night in the dead of winter. she rubbed her hands, even though her mittens were soaked from the melted snow, and then blew on them, her breaths visible.

we stood there, awkwardly in front of each other, not a word spoken for who knows how many minutes. my brain couldn't form any sort of reaction. it was the cold that couldn't make me feel anything.

i then forced myself to face her, and meet her pleading eyes. i could see her trying to piece words together and she started to open her mouth, but i turned around and ran before i could hear a single sound.

i ran, dashing through the snow, my heavy boots stomping heavily through the taller mounds of powder. my feet had a mind of their own, carrying a lifeless, senseless, body down the street aimlessly. i had to jerk my head to look around, observe the remnants of the snowballs and the faded laughter. i leaped over the eminent snow angels and marched back home, squeezing my earmuffs into my ears to feel something, anything, but too numb to feel a single thing. frustrated, my earmuffs flew, burying itself into the snow. so did my scarf, my mittens, and my hat, carelessly thrown onto a nearby neighbor's yard, ripping off my clothing one by one in the middle of the street.

"she can't be in love with me," i told myself. "no, it's impossible." stop thinking out loud, just run. don't think, run. keep going, don't pause to think. "how could she love me? how could i have missed it?" my conscience and the part inside me that desperately wanted to be heard were at war, not strong enough to stop me from circling back to every interaction we ever had. was she in love with me by this point? how long? the never-ending questions began.

"when?" i internally shouted at the empty purple sea above. "why? why me? how am i different? why didn't you tell me sooner? how do you know you're in love with me, jordan?" i realized i was now verbally shrieking at the sky for answers, wishing upon the absence of stars for a response. i didn't even realize i stopped running, only a couple more houses and i would've reached the unsettling comfort of my own home. i couldn't remember making the turns but i ended up on the correct street.

but it was the wrong street. i left jordan, all alone. who knew where she was by then? home? still in place, waiting, hoping i'd return? slowly trailing behind so that any minute, she'd be right next to me?

"what have i become...oh god." i buried my burning face into the palms of my frozen, pale blue hands. tears began to freeze as they rolled down my cheeks. "what did i just do?" i muttered shakily, trying to stifle heavy involuntary sobs.

"you left me, that's what." her chilling hand was placed on my shaking shoulder. she pressed the back of her bare hand against my forehead. "i would've answered any question, you know. now you're burning up. your cheeks are very red. here," she began to pass me the clothes i had discarded, shaking the sprinkles of snow off. i remained silent, except for the uneven rhythm of cries, and reluctantly took the hat, earmuffs, scarf, mittens - everything. "why did you run away? look, i-i know i'm scaring you, but...if you just gave me a chance to explain.

"i wasn't planning on falling for you. no one ever does. but you were something straight out of a movie, sierra. you made me feel something that i hadn't felt in a long time. and i was in love with this feeling, this reason to exist, and i was in love with the person who gave me that feeling. you made me feel like i belonged. which i now realize is boring and totally not worth fighting for." she paused, an insincere smile plastered on her face as she shook her head. "and i get it. this is...a lot. you don't have to say anything." and then there they were. her wide eyes, which illuminated the still blackness of the night, stared into my own. i blinked as snowflakes fell onto my eyelids.

"i...i'm sorry. i shouldn't have run away. that was stupid." her hopefulness relentlessly radiated. i looked down at my mittens, wet with snow, as if they held an answer i was searching for. "i always do this. run away from my problems and any form of confrontation. unlike you. you always face challenges head on. i really like that about you." i saw my compliment melted into her when she mumbled a "thanks" beneath her breath. "but, when did you realize that you..."

"that i'm in love with you?" my chest filled with strange warmth, making my heart skip several beats at once. i nodded slowly.

"it's not like there's a date when i woke up and declared my love for you. it was more of a feeling. subtle at first, then just grew the more i got to know you. i wanted to be with you all the time. then i knew."

"oh," i murmured. my mind continued to race. she was saying all of these lovely things, but it was almost as if they were too good to be true. i considered if this was all just a dream or even some big elaborate joke, that at any second she would shout "gotcha!" and laugh maniacally, saying "you should've seen the look on your face, it was priceless!" but i knew jordan. she would never do that. then again, i thought i knew her.

i paused. just for a moment. looked around at the dark houses, neatly lined up in a row with clean, untouched rooftops covered in fresh sheets of snow. streetlights glowed softly, casting a bit of orange hue on the sidewalks. i peeked behind jordan and gazed at the newly pressed footprints. threw my head up to the stars sprinkled lightly in the endless sky. i took a deep breath then continued.

"jordan, i...i had no idea. i've only known you for a short amount of time, but it seems like i've known you forever." i let out a soft chuckle, holding my hand to my heart hoping it would stop pounding so loudly, afraid she would hear. "i would like to know you forever," i muttered, the words escaping my lips almost like a secret let out too soon.

"i cannot believe we are here right now. it all feels like a dream." i let out another light laugh. "only you, jordan, can drag me out in the middle of the night to make snow angels in the streets." her nose was red and her cheeks slowly began to match. "i...i have never liked a girl before. i mean i've only ever been fond of how pretty they all are, prettier than any boy i've ever seen. i thought it was envy..." i pondered, scratching my head. "you know what's weird?"

"what?" she asked.

"i'm not cold. it's probably below freezing right now, and my shoulders won't stop shaking, but when i'm with you, the inside of my chest is always so warm. fuzzy, as you would say. i love us, you know? 'jordan and sierra, partners in crime.' and i never in a million years thought about if we were more than that. but...i would love to be more."

"what are you saying?"

"teach me to fall in love with you."

"really? are you sure? i don't wanna rush into anything if you're not all in. i don't wanna pressure you at all. sierra, i-"

"i'm a quick learner."

milliseconds later her arms were wrapped around me as she embraced me into a hug. i felt her smile buried in my shoulder, that same smile i craved and died to make sure it never disappeared and stayed for as long as possible. the same smile i fell for, luring me out of the comfort of my tiny bedroom. we huddled like penguins in the moonlight, our hearts beating against each other. her cold lips kissed my numb freckled cheek as she squeezed me even tighter.

we pulled apart and her face was inches from mine. "let's get you home," i whispered. she held out her hand for me to take, and this time, i grabbed it with certainty, anticipation. i felt her warm hand squeeze mine under soaked mittens. she led me through the frozen land, foreign to me in the dead of winter. as we travelled through snow, she tilted her head back to those same defying stars sprinkled in the ink black sky, screaming, "together we go!"