4,255 Miles Away From You

One

It was always said that love comes to you when you're not looking for it. I never believed it until it was right in my face. I never been more upset, more confused about anything in my life. 

When I met you, you were in a relationship. A long one I might add, three years long if I remember correctly. Meanwhile, me and my boyfriend of one year had broken up six months ago. You were just a online friend, someone I haven't met, haven't really spoken to, and haven't really known outside of the video game world. All I knew was that you were miles away from me, your time was five hours ahead, and you were in a relationship with some girl you was having some issues with. 

We were playing with someone we knew as Bri, someone we met those games as well. I had just gotten home from work, when you guys invited me to play and I knew something was wrong when you didn't say anything for minutes on end. You were never the quiet type, always joking around and laughing, letting us roast you a bit, only to be coming at us with some type of comeback which only made us laugh. This time you were different, and I wanted to ask, but considering that Bri was new to us, I just stayed quiet and let you do you. It wasn't until a day or two later when we were alone, you had told me that you and your girlfriend had broken up. 

I could hear it clearly. The pain in your voice, and the feel of betrayal has you told me what happened. It was like it was bouncing off of you and I could feel it completely. I remember trying to help you get your mind off of it, but you're stubborn and your mind was on her. I understood it, having to have gone through that phase myself just months before you. Oddly enough, you unknowingly helped me get through it, and been the distraction that I needed. You didn't know, but if you're reading this, well now you know. You brought me into this world, your world, and I met a couple of your friends, your brother Justin and his fiancé Leah, and I couldn't help but to feel like someone special in your life. 

Maybe that's why I fell in love with you, maybe not. Or maybe it was the way you would call me your girl, the way you would check in on me and our long phone calls. I love the sound of your voice, the way you laughed, the way you joked around with your friends. You didn't know but whenever you leave the party to go and do something, leaving me and your friends alone for a minute. They always asked me about our relationship, and who I was to you. I didn't know what to tell them, or how much they knew about me, let alone how much you would even talk about me, but I always got the same answer whenever you weren't around. 

"He's different with you around" 

"I think he likes you" 

"I think you are good for him" 

"He needs someone like you" 

"Everyone can tell you're his girl when you're around him. Keep him happy okay? He needs you" 

In reality, you didn't need me. We're thousands of miles apart, what can I possibly do for you? You could have a girl right where you are, and she could give you the world. Meanwhile, I'm here on a small little island, curving every single guy that comes my way and just waiting on you, but you don't care for me the way that I do for you and that's the sad truth. So what do I do? Do I stay like I promised or do I walk away like your brother told me to do? 

Your brother... Now that is another story. Now I don't know if he told you, and if he did, I don't know how much you know about our conversations. He knows a lot more about me and just how much I care about you than what you probably know. There's phone calls, facetime calls, text messages with him that you probably don't know about, but the topic is you. Always have been, always will be when he isn't hassling me for movie codes that is. I don't mind, but as long as I'm sticking around for you, your family will be mine. Now I don't know if it's because I love you, or if that's just how I was raised, or if that is just how I am as a person, but what's important to you is important to me. Your family, I will treat as my own, its just the way it is. 

Your brother tells me to let you go, some days he tells me to hang onto you a bit longer. But when there's some type of issue with us, he always texts me to talk to you, to call you, does he do that to you too or is that just me? Other days, he tells me that you care but you just cant handle the distance between us, now I don't know if its because he wants to come here so badly, or if he is just genuinely looking for me and you or what the story is there. 

He asked me again when I can come to see you, or when you guys can come to see me, and I said I didn't know because I was leaving home for five months in just seven weeks, he nodded as if he understood. What he probably don't understand is that it's going to be a long ass eight weeks for me without you, and the only thing on my mind lately is just you and it has been for since May. 

Since we started talking, since I choose to trust you with all of me, since I choose to invest all my time, attention, love, and affection into you. I choose you, but you didn't choose me did you? Do you still want to see me? Meet me? or do you just not care anymore..? Whatever your decision is, we're 4,255 miles away, even if we did choose each other, then what? 

I'll always have this little soft spot for you whether I want it or not, but I'm not like everyone else. Some people I can drop like they were nothing, even someone whom I called a friend can get dropped like nothing, so what does that say about me? That I didn't care? Some things I can tolerate, hell I gave you more in these past months than I gave to someone who was right in front of me. But hey, it's you. That's a whole different story. 

In some ways you changed me, and gave me hope when I gave up on myself. Truth be told, if you hadn't been there I wouldn't be standing or sitting here today. I can never repay you for that. I could go on and on, but there's too much too say and I'm running out of time. I don't know where your head is going to be at when you read this, if you read this. In the end, would it even matter anymore? Part of me will always belong to you, and in some weird twisted way, I'm okay with it. Do you even care that you would have a part of me? Probably not, and that's why I'm writing this instead of talking to you.

I was always good at seeing the good in someone when they're at the lowest point and when they feel like their whole world came crashing down. And I think it's safe to say that I saved more people from themselves when they was at their lowest point. Which is why I didn't see mine coming until it was right in my face and it was already too late to take it back. But I like to live a life with no regrets, so I'll make my peace with it when I'm ready and in my own time. Maybe the time away from home is going to be exactly what I need, I guess we'll see.