4,255 Miles Away From You

Two

Today makes 17 days without you, and slowly I feel myself unraveling from you. I was always transparent with you, so I wont lie when I say that not hearing from you hurts. I keep thinking that I'll at least get a text from you, just to check in and it never comes. And so I make the decision to check in on you at least, now I dont know if I do it for me or for you, but it happens anyways and I slighty feel better when I know that you're doing okay. 

I try to keep myself busy most of the time, to try and get my mind off of you, but then I'm right back to where I started and here I am writing again. I figure it was better than to try talking to you and just got getting a response back and just hurt my own feelings like that. I always had a thing for writing, never did I write anything this close to my heart, but I guess there is a time for something new. I'm up late again, even though I know that I have to wake up in just a few hours, and I jsut dont know what to do really. I want to check up on you, but I figure you have someone else hitting you up for that and I dont want to get in the way of that. In fact I know you have someone else for that, your brother told me about it. It's cool that he told me, I just wish I heard it from you instead. 

I keep replaying our old conversations and phone calls in my head, and I stay up late thinking about all the things that could've been, but then I face reality and think of the things that is the way it is and it breaks my heart each time thinking about it, thinking about you. And so I keep busy, working hours on end, working out, picking up my brothers from school, planning and replanning time to spend with my family, my friends before I leave home for 5 months. Planning things for when I come back, and the things I will do, things I will say. And then right when I'm about to lie down, you come back and I'm up all night before i know it, it's five in the morning and I have to get up to start my new day and so I lose sleep and I keep going and I stay strong and wear a fake smile on my face every single day and then right when I started to relax, there you are again. And so I keep going, and I keep my mind busy, and then FINALLY I said fuck it, and I started writing. 

It was what I needed, and I can't talk to you about it. I hate bothering people about you, and I rather just deal with my own shit. And so I started writing, something I used to do so well during high school, and so I wrote the first chapter and I send it to Justin, and I asked him if I should sent it to you, and he told me no. No because I would be snitching him out, and he doesnt want you snapping at him. So if you're going to snap at him, do it after you read everything and ask yourself if that's a good idea or not. Is it true or not. Take a good look, and then don't snap at him, talk to him. If you made it this far, I wish I told you everything sooner. I couldn't put everything in words before, and in the end I don't know if it's going to change anything, but know that I still have a lot love for you, and I really wish you the best. And I hope you get to be happy, and be the guy I know you can be. If you work hard enough, you will be great, and you will always be someone that people look up too, and maybe one day we'll meet in person and things will change, but I think for now I'll take your advice and just focus on me. And I think right now that the best thing for me is letting you go and doing my own thing. And it's hard to do because a part of me will always have a love for you. But the day dreaming, the running in place, it's not healthy. I can't do it anymore. Who knows maybe a part of me will always be waiting for you, but right know I know it wont work, maybe one day it will, but we wont know until that day comes. If it comes. Until then, I'll just keep doing me.