The 14th Tape

Pre tape: the last night

I should have seen the signs. In hindsight, I think we all knew Hannah was suicidal. I just dont think any of us cared enough to go through with mentioning it. And to anyone else, it looked like Hannah and I were in the same exact boat. The boat that lead to no good places for girls who are too young to be feeling the things we felt. I wouldnt say I was suicidal, I dont think Hannah even would. Not directly. I think we were two sides of the same coin, at the time. But in that moment neither of us knew how to talk about it.

"So I'm here now, what was so much that you wanted me out of Bryces house?" I ask, sitting on her bed. My hair is stringy and slides down the other half of my face, while I mess with my nails. I cant keep my hands still I need to be doing something with them right now. So that's picking them apart and scraping the red acrylic off with a piece of plastic that I tore off my student ID.

"I just wanted to talk, that's all I guess." She doesnt sound like Hannah anymore to me. Her voice, in a word, it sounds hollow. It sounds like shes speaking into the hole in a violin. Her voice isnt coming from her body, almost.

"We havent talked since Monets." I reply, giving her a look.

"It was kinda shitty how Jess and Alex just took off from us. Not gonna lie about that, but you havent spoken much to me either." I finish that first statement, looking away from her and touching my nose. It's a habit that both me and my brother Justin have, not sure why but we both do it. Hannah used to make fun of me for it, just small things to pick on about eachother. None of us are laughing now, though.

"How am I supposed to, I mean that's kind of hard when your brother lied to everyone about me. Isnt it? Not to mention you seem to be Bryces pet project-"

Hannah's tone seems hurt like she forgot that shes the one who went there and got me. Shes the one who went out of her way to 'check' on me after hearing I was at Bryces. She should know that this is old news, I'm friends with Bryce. I've been friends with him since elementary school. Him, Justin and I are our own circle. But lately, everything has gotten kind of fucked up. Everyone is different. Something is off.

"Bryces pet project? Do you know what you're talking about Hannah, like at all?" I ask her, looking up at her and snacking the bottle of adderall on her desk. She seems almost startled by my outburst at this time.

"I'm just trying to get myself together. You dont know what I'm going through right now, okay?" And I didnt know what she was going through either. Again in hindsight, what I said this night would haunt me for the rest of my life. And I didnt know that until a while later, when eventually Hannah would kill herself.

But we all knew that, right?

"Bryce takes care of me, he gets me what I need and this is for school. I'm switching to doing online classes, thanks for noticing by the way, thought you were so busy being an arrogant bitch about everything? I'm not a drug addict it's just fucking adderall. It's for school." My face twists up in disgust as I speak, I feel like I want to stand up and argue. I feel so fucking angry. Hannah hasnt said a word to me in so long and then out of nowhere she shows up and tries to get me on the right track? Clay tried doing this to me once, but I've learned that pretty girls with issues need to stay away from him. He has this fucked up messiah complex, like he can fix anything. But then as soon as he realizes you're unhelpable, its suddenly your fault.

"Yeah, Bryce helps you by giving you addictive drugs. Adderall is a stimulant, you havent slept in who knows how long and probably havent eaten either. You were getting so much better and-" 

"And what? You think I'm gonna relapse? I'm eating, you overworked manic pixie dreamgirl. It's just a side effect, it's not like I'm doing this on purpose. I know better." It feels like a lie because I cant feel like I look different. But little did I know I was thirty pounds lighter now than I was a month ago. And I wasnt lying to Hannah when I said what I did, to her it seemed like it.