Morph

Memories

The drive back to the main office in the city was about two hours long. I haven't slept well in about six months, since arriving at Ms. Genevieve's. The music was perfect. The scenery was amazing. I must say that despite how hard life has been, I have learned along the way to enjoy the little moments. To live in the moments that make me feel free. Watching the sun dance across the water and the wind tickle the grass in waves. Those are the moments I live for. This moment, right here was perfection. I was so tired, my eyes lids began to feel like anchors. No matter how hard I tried to stay awake and enjoy the moment, my body and my mind had other plans. I slowly slipped into a deep sleep. The kind that just flows over you. Takes you by surprise. You don't even know your falling asleep until you wake up. That is exactly what happened.

I drifted off into a deep sleep. I have a gift for dreaming lucid dreams. Those wonderful dreams where you know you are dreaming and you are in control. Something was off this time. I must be really tired because no matter how hard I tried. I could not control what I was seeing or where I was. I knew that I was dreaming, I should be in control. However, this time I couldn't control anything. I kept going back to my past. My actual past. Homes that I have lived in. People that I have known. For some reason, they were all there, in this one big house. I have never seen this house, but they were all in it. Brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, no actual blood relation but all of the homes that I have been stuck in, they were all here.

I tried to run away from the house, but it pulled me back every time. I tried to wish myself into another place and time, but to no avail. I was stuck in this dream with looping memories. Moments that actual happened that I tried so hard to forget. They were all there. Every man and boy and demon mother that I have ever had to live with. They were all there. I could feel my heart racing. I could feel myself drowning in a sea of waves that just kept charging me and pulling my into it. Further and further into my memories. I don't want to be here.

Please, someone wake me up. I don't want to be here. All these dirty hands touching me, groping me, teaching me things I should have never known. But the words no and stop never left my lips. I just gave in, gave them all what they wanted, or needed from me. I never protested out loud. I hate these people. They robbed me like thieves in the night. They took my innocence. They took my soul. They took so much of me. I don't, want to be here. Someone, Please wake me up. I hate these faces. They smile at me like they know me. They touch me like they love me. They leave me so empty. Take me away from here.

I jumped up like I wanted to jump out of the car. Tristan grabbed my arm and brought me back to reality. She looked at the road then glanced back at me. "Are you okay?" she said. "You fell asleep, but kept making noises. Really weird noises, like you were screaming in your dream. What were you dreaming about?"

"Nothing ma'am, I really don't remember" but I remembered everything. Every touch, every smell, every sound. I looked out of the window and tried my hardest to forget the dream. It shook me to my core. I almost felt like was about to have a panic attack, but I talked myself down. I narrated the scenery out loud in my head. The beautiful trees swaying, dancing with the wind. The tall grass moving in ripples like a green ocean dancing along with the wind and trees. I imagined that mother nature was putting on a show for me. Sometimes, I would make myself believe that I was a direct descendent of mother nature, and that she was in fact my mother. That perhaps I was wasn't born to a woman that didn't want me. Perhaps, I was grown like a flower from the earth and was found in the middle of a colorful flower patch still attached to the roots like an umbilical cord, when some nameless, faceless passerby saw my beauty and desired me for themselves selfishly plucking me from my lifeforce. I assume they stuck me in a vase with just enough water to keep me barely alive, while I slowly withered and dried. Eventually, to be thrown away like trash.

I used to be a beautiful flower. Full of infinite possibilities. I used to be full of life and passion. Now, I just a withered shell slowly dying. Ever so slowly fading away. Perhaps one day, Mother Nature will find me, nurse me back to life, attach me to her once again. Perhaps one day, I can know what it feels like to bloom fully into what I was created to be.

I will have to wait until I am 18 to find out. Until then, I am stuck in this vase. It's rotting water my only form of sustenance, as I rely on all of these strangers who take my beauty at face value. Never actually trying to know me, help me or love me.

We arrived at the main office. Ms. Tristan looking over at me with what seemed to be concern. "Are you okay, Amanda?" she asked.

"Yes, ma'am" I replied.

"You know you don't have to address me as ma'am. I am not your superior. I am your advocate. A friend. Do you know what an Advocate is? It's someone that is here to be your voice when you don't know how, or cannot be use your own. I am here for you, not them" she said as she points to office building.

I was a little confused, I turned to look at Emily. She seemed just as confused. How did we come this far without ever hearing those words. This worker was either a world class liar or something we have never come across before.

"What would you prefer to be called, ma'am?" I asked. Placing the ball in her court. Not sure if this was a trap to see if I would outright disrespect her by calling her by her first name, and then get punished for it.

"You can call me "Tris", no more, no less" "are you okay with that?"

I looked back at Emily, who spent more time with Ms. Tristan than I had, to see if she knew if this woman was for real. Emily knew what my fears were at that moment and without hesitation she spoke first. "Okay, Tris. If that is what you would like to be called, that is what we will call you." I simply nodded as to say that I agree. But I didn't say anything out loud. I have learned silence is the wisest way to survive all of this.

Ms. Tristan...I mean Tris smiled and began to gather her things to exit the car. "That actually makes me very happy, thank you girls." "Now, lets go see what's next for Emily and then I will take you to your new home." I nodded, but I think she saw something in my eyes, something that said I wasn't particularly hopeful when it came to new homes. "Amanda, I promise. If we get there and for any reason, you do not feel comfortable staying, we will turn right back around. Just like I did with Emily. You have my word, I will not leave you until you are ready to stay."

Something about this case worker was so different. I believed her when she spoke. I believed that she truly meant what she said. I nodded my head again, and forced a small smile to appease her. "okay" I said. As we all exited the car and headed to the office building.