Morph

Little Girl Lost

I laid there quietly in the bed as long as possible. The orange/yellow hues beyond my eyelids were trying to force me awake. I could tell the sun was up. I felt the hot lines of light fall across my face as it broke through the cracks of the broken shades. I slowly opened my eyes. Every room was the same. Dark, no matter how bright the sun was shining out side it barely broke into my space. It was as though I were not worthy of the light... or joy... or love. I savored these moments of silence in the morning. Before chores. Before helping angry mothers tend to their flock. Before I had to become what everyone else needed me to be. These tiny shards of time that I stole for myself, where I could think my own thoughts, sing my own songs (albeit in my head), and dream my own dreams.

I didn't want to move. I didn't want to make a sound for fear that if I did, I would wake her brood. Then the rest of the day, every waking, God forsaken moment...I would belong to them.

I closed my eyes, trying to remember a time when I didn't have to live like this. But that time only existed in my dreams. The only good memories I have come from subconscious shadows in my mind. Vivid, lucid dreams, where I create my own world. A world where I am free. I run...I dance...I sing! And once I even kissed a boy. (Oh dear God, I almost giggled out loud). Ok. No more good thoughts. Time to get ready for the day.

Despite, how still I was, a cry broke the silence. I looked over to my right. I had to lift my head to see past the twins Ingrid and Isis to see the crib at the side of the bed. Annabel was awake. I jumped as fast my body would allow to get to her before she woke the other children (five in all). I picked her up as fast as I could and began to rock her and try to soothe her. But to no avail her demon mother had heard her too. She came barging into the room, turning on lights, looking as though the baby had cried just to ruin her morning. I tried to whisper to her, "I have her, it's okay". But she insisted on waking the others with her incessant complaining.

"Why is she crying?" "What have you done?" "Oh, Just give me my baby, You are good for nothing"

I didnt respond or defend myself. It would have been pointless.

I hope you know that your case manager is coming today. So pack your things when you get a chance. They are bringing me another girl who is useful. You will not be staying with us anymore. Now hurry, get the children up, bathed and dressed and bring them to the kitchen for breakfast. I will be waiting.

I tried so hard not make even the slightest smile show from my lips Yes maam.

Finally, I can leave this place and all its silence. I am always quiet here. I can never speak unless I am spoken to.

I gathered the children and placed them in the bath. They were accustomed to bathing together before I came and it made the job easier and faster to get them all in and out at the same time. I dried and dressed them and headed to the kitchen. Once each child was placed in their assigned seats, I walked over to mine (a small table and chair in the corner).

Amanda! she shouted and I jumped. Yes maam

Who told you to take a seat, Ms. Myers is off today and I will need you to make breakfast. Hurry! do it quickly you still have to pack

A part of me wanted to throw the table and the chair at her, tell her to cook for her own children. I was leaving anyway, what did it matter. I no longer had to rely on her for my survival. What did it really matter what she thought of me, she didnt see me anyway. All she saw from the day I arrived was a free babysitter, housekeeper, tutor and cook. I wanted to yell back at her, but I didnt. I never did. Yes, maam

Thats all I ever said. yes maam sometimes I wish I wasnt like this. So darn compliant. I would get in trouble anyway so it never really mattered. But I knew how quickly bad can turn to worse, so I just do as I am told all the time.