even though i have a reputation of being the intellectual and possibly being smart i've been placed with people better than i am therefore i'm not the intellectual anymore.
i think i'm okay with that but i regret not testing out of the previous grade because now it's going to be so hard to get ahead because i was always ahead and so i have to keep that up.
i do something bad every week i keep a tally and i don't know if it's true but i feel it is so it must be true.
i read books and stories and i feel helpless and i rethink everything i did and i ran away when i should have stayed calm explained the situation and walked back instead.
i miss being the smartest because i like helping people because i'm selfish and i want to be first again.
i'm so scared i'll know the answer but i'll be careless because i don't think and so people think less of me.
i want to do everything but i can't do everything.
i want to be better but i can't be better because everything is going wrong and i'm not ahead anymore every sentence has to be perfect and i don't know where i'm going.
i regret not testing out of math class because now i can't go up a grade and that hurts because i want to be up a grade and i wasted a YEAR AND A HALF BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW I COULD TEST OUT.
I WASTED A YEAR AND A HALF NOT LEARNING ANYTHING WHILE A CLASSMATE TESTED OUT AND DID EVERYTHING I COULDN'T DO.
I DON'T RESENT THEM I LOVE THEM I RESENT MYSELF.
I WASTED A YEAR AND A HALF NOT LEARNING ANYTHING WHILE I COULD HAVE BEEN GETTING AHEAD AND I COULD HAVE BEEN LEARNING AND I COULD BE AHEAD RIGHT NOW.
INSTEAD I HAVE NO WAY OF GETTING AHEAD AND SO I AM STUCK BACK WHERE I DON'T WANT TO BE BUT WHERE I SHOULD BE.
I WANT TO SAY THAT I COULD DO THIS BUT I DIDN'T PUSH IT AND SO IT'S NOT APPARENT AND FRANKLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW THAT I COULD.
I WASTED A YEAR AND A HALF NOT LEARNING ANYTHING BECAUSE I DIDN'T TEST OUT OF MATH.
NOW I NEED TO WORK HARDER THAN EVER BEFORE BUT I DON'T HAVE TIME MY INTERESTS ARE DRAGGING ME DOWN.
IF I QUIT EVERYTHING AND FOCUSED ON MATH I BET I COULD LEARN. I BET I COULD UNDERSTAND AND MOVE AHEAD. WHERE I WANT TO BE. WHERE I NEED TO BE. WHERE I COULD BE EXCEPT I DIDN'T PUSH IT AND NOW I AM HERE.
I BET I COULD GET BETTER AT A COST.
THAT YEAR AND A HALF WAS A WASTE WANNA BET WANNA BET WANNA BET I KNOW I CAN DO THIS IF I JUST PUSH MYSELF WANNA BET I KNOW I CAN.
IF I CAN FIND AN ONLINE COURSE IF I CAN FORCE MYSELF INTAKE I KNOW I CAN DO THIS I KNOW I CAN I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.
I RESENT AND REGRET AND I LOVE LEARNING.
